


Everlasting Green

by DrownedOutStars



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Attempt at Humor, Blood, Blood Drinking, Blood Kink, Blood and Gore, Blood and Violence, Childhood Trauma, Devoted Kylo Ren, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, F/M, Neck Kissing, Oral Sex, Past Child Abuse, Praise Kink, Protective Kylo Ren, Reincarnation, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey has depersonalization/derealization disorder, Rey is a cocktail server, Rey's humor is that fantastic type of awkward humor, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Soulmates, There's gonna be some sadness I'm not gonna lie, True Love, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Vampire Kylo Ren, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-02-23 10:48:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23710282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrownedOutStars/pseuds/DrownedOutStars
Summary: He had thought he'd never see her again, that she was gone from this earth forever, but the universe always has its funny ways, doesn't it?
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 10
Kudos: 43





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I can't stop coming up with vampire AUs and I was literally just writing this out as an idea in my notes and I fell too in love with it to not make it a thing-  
> Like I am already writing the second chapter as I'm posting this-

_Sometimes the light can hurt the eyes, and she was beyond blinding in his. The jazz music seemed to vanish as he looked at her, the only sound her heartbeat in his ears._

_He saw her from the bar, the cigarette falling from his lips as she entered his vision. She was smiling and twirling around in her little green flapper dress, her pearls bouncing around as she laughed and held hands with a blonde girl._

_But he wasn't looking at the blonde, he was looking at her, and it was like he was finally seeing color for the first time, and he had never known the world could be so green. So, so many shades of green._

_Her skin was golden, kissed by the sun he could never see again and hadn't seen in five centuries, and her dark brown hair was styled in a girlish bob. She was so small--well, compared to his towering height, and all he wanted to do was hold her in his arms. Would she fit perfectly against his body, he wondered?_

_"What are you looking at?" Hux sighed as he sat down besides him, the redhead taking a handkerchief from his pocket and discretely wiping the small bit of blood from his lips from the meal he just had. "You finally find someone worthy enough of dying by your hands, Ren?"_

_"Have you ever seen green so vivid?" Kylo muttered with an enchanted look in his eyes and Hux looked at him before following his gaze to the joyous brunette. "Did you ever know green could be so...charming?"_

_"Her? I'm surprised, you don't normally go for 'plain Janes'--"_

_"So green," Kylo breathed out, completely ignoring the prissy British man beside him as he leaned forward. "So goddamn green."_

_"Yes...she's wearing green, thank you for informing me on this repeatedly." Hux rolled his eyes in annoyance as he took his silver cigarette tin out and opened it, taking one out and gently tapping the end of it against the tin. "It's not even a good shade of green, what is that? Ivy? Much too dark, I prefer white. Blood shows up so beautifully on white." Hux put the cigarette to his lips and lit it with a match, Kylo still ignoring him as he continued to stare at her._

_And then she looked over at him, and he knew he was done for. The most vivid hazel he had ever seen stared at him, her lips slowly creeping up into a smile as she gave him the cutest shy wave he had ever seen. He slowly waved back in awe and she giggled loudly, looking back at her friend and whispering something in her ear only for the both of them to erupt into loud giggles._

_The blonde glanced over at him before looking back at the brunette, nodding at her with a smile only for the brunette to shake her head quickly as she blushed darkly. The blonde whirled her around to face him, pushing her forward and the brunette stumbled forward with a flustered expression. She smiled shyly and offered him another small wave, Kylo scoffing with a smile as her friend pushed her forward again._

_"She's shy," Hux purred and Kylo bit back a growl. "How cute."_

_The brunette slowly walked over, hesitating a few times and looking over her shoulder at her friend before approaching him and standing in front of him._

_"Hi," Her voice was soft and her British accent was like satin to his ears. "My friend said if I didn't come talk to you that she'd tell my grandfather I snuck out to go to an illegal speakeasy...so...here I am..." She blushed an even darker shade of red and Hux chuckled, Kylo wanting nothing more than to elbow him the nose._

_"Oh, well, we wouldn't want that, would we?" Hux drawled and Kylo clenched his jaw as he glanced at him before glancing back at her with a smile._

_"I'm Kira," She offered her hand out and Kylo instantly shook it, her hand soft and warm. "Kira Kenobi."_

_"I'm Kylo," Kylo breathed out and Kira nodded as she bit her lower lip with a blinding smile. "Kylo Ren. You got a smile like the sun, you know that?"_

_"Careful, Ren, the sun burns." Hux murmured in a smug tone as he took a drag from his cigarette, Kira looking over at him with a confused expression before looking back at Kylo._

_"You just came over to say 'hi'?" Kylo smiled yet again and Kira hummed quietly as she played with the pearls on her neck._

_"Um...yeah," She nodded and Kylo purred in the back of his throat quietly. "Yeah, I just wanted to--"_

_"No, she came over for a drink!" The blonde popped up from behind her, throwing an arm around her shoulder as she grinned. "Right, sunshine?"_

_"K-Kaydel, I don't--"_

_"Yes, exactly!" The blonde chirped and Kira looked away with an embarrased expression, her eyes flicking back over to Kylo's as she mouthed 'sorry'._

_"I can do that," Kylo winked at Kira and Kira instantly burst into nervous laughter, slamming her hand over her mouth as she waved her hand in a motion that told him 'don't listen to her'. "But I think some fresh air would be nice, yeah?"_

_"Yes!" She gasped loudly. "Yes, fresh air would be lovely!" Kira shot out and Kaydel huffed as she pouted. "Yes, yes, let's go! Right now!" She grabbed his hand and ran with him out of the speakeasy, Kylo laughing loudly as he ran behind her._

_They ran down the halls and once they were outside in the alley she let go of his hand, laughing breathlessly as she bent over and put her white gloved hands on her knees. "Thank you! She's been pushing me all night to find someone and get laid!"_

_"Wow," He chuckled as he leaned back against the brick wall. "Some friend she is, huh?"_

_"No, it's not like that, I just turned nineteen and she thinks I'm a prude for not--no, it's exactly like that!" She laughed breathlessly again as she stood up straight, leaning against the wall beside him and turning her head to smile up at him. "She told me you were staring, I was a little frightened at first, in all honesty."_

_"I like your dress," He looked down at her and he swore he could see the sunlight in her eyes. "I've never seen such a green."_

_"Oh," Kira looked down at her dress before looking back at him. "Of course! The dress! It wasn't my first choice, I think it's a tad bit dark..."_

_"No, it's perfect, it compliments you wonderfully."_

_"You were a little hard to see in that pitch black suit," Kira laughed softly as she continued to stare up at him. "But I saw your eyes. I don't know why people think brown eyes are plain, I happen to think they're the most soulful."_

_"Oh?" Kylo arched a brow and Kira nodded. "Why's that?"_

_"There are no warmer colors than brown, you know? And yours are...exceptionally warm," That blush crept up on her cheeks again and all Kylo wanted to do was kiss her. He could kiss the sun finally after years of being banned from its comforting rays. "They remind me of something I can't place."_

_"Something good, I hope?"_

_"Yeah," She looked down and away with a smile. "Yeah, something great."_

_"Then that's good, right?" He was still looking over at her, his fangs itching to pop out._

_"Yeah, obviously!" She laughed and Kylo looked up at the sky._

_"Then I'm glad." He smiled as he looked down and Kira glanced over at him with that blinding smile still._

But memories are memories and that's all Kira Kenobi was now. A memory. She had died because of him not long after that, and Kylo had learned that the sun did, indeed, burn.

"Ren," Hux stood in Kylo's hotel room doorway with a smug expression, his hair slicked back and his piercing mint eyes boring into his. "You ready?"

"Can you wait a fuckin' minute? Jesus Christ, you're so annoying!" Kylo snapped as he pulled on his suit jacket, Hux chuckling softly in amusement as he shoved his hands in his suit pants pockets. 

"Don't you look dashing!" Hux smirked as Kylo pushed past him, the slightly taller man scoffing loudly as he ran a hand through his hair. "I didn't even wear a suit jacket, and yet here you are going the extra mile."

"It's easier to lure women in when they think you're rich," Kylo laughed as they approached the elevator, Hux pressing the down button as he hummed. "You just look like a bartender to me, pal, and the only food you're going to get is the food you dress for."

"Mmn, such words of wisdom." They stepped into the elevator and Kylo pressed the button for the first floor. "Are you prepared to see Snoke tomorrow night? It's the annual yearly 'meet and feast'."

"I'd rather put a bullet in my head than go, but what can I do? He made me, I can't exactly say no." Kylo huffed as he adjusted his cufflinks. 

"Are you still angry with him for killing...what was her name again? Mira?"

"I can't recall," Kylo muttered with a blank expression. "She was just another human, nothing more."

"Oh, ho-ho, that is a big, fat lie and we both know that! I recall you being positively smitten with her from the moment you saw her at the speakeasy. 'Did you ever know green could be so...charming?' Those were your exact words, weren't they?"

"Eat shit and die." Kylo growled out and Hux glanced over at him with a devilish smirk.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Then _beg_." Kylo glared over at him as hit bit the words out and the smugness instantly disappeared from Hux's face, the redhead clearing his throat as he looked back forward as the elevator doors opened.

"I'll meet up with you later," Hux muttered as he briskly walked off, Kylo mentally grinning to himself as he did so. 

It had been Snoke's idea for New York this year, and Kylo knew exactly why. It was the ninety-fifth anniversary of her death and he wanted to rub it in by sending him to the exact state where she used to live. It was a stab in the chest, a reminder of who truly was in charge, and a cruel attempt to remind him to remain obedient.

"Hi, excuse me," Kylo spoke in a silky tone as he approached the front desk, the girl sitting there blushing as she instantly perked up. "Do you happen to know where the bar is? I'm finding myself a little lost."

"O-oh, of course! It's right down there and to the left!" The girl pointed down the hall and Kylo winked at her before smacking his hands down on the marble desk. 

"Thanks, doll."

"Of course!" She giggled like a schoolgirl in love and he smiled before turning around, his smile instantly vanishing as he walked down the hall. _Someone should tell her that her perfume is cheaper than cheap, good God._

He looked down at his watch to check the time as he was walking into the lounge, not even seeing the girl in front of him before it was too late. He crashed into her and she yelped loudly as the tray in her hand crashed to the ground, three martinis completely splattering all over them both.

"What the--" He looked up and he couldn't believe it. There was no way on earth this was possible, was it? Same face, same sunshine aura...

"Fucking shit! Shit, shit, shit, I'm sorry!" She shot out frantically as she grabbed a napkin from the tray on the ground, panic shining in her hazel eyes as she hurriedly dabbed at his dress shirt and jacket. "I-I am so sorry--"

"Kira...?" He breathed out and she looked up at him. She even had the same accent. "Kira, how is this poss--"

"I-I--my name isn't Kira, it's Rey...but I'm _so_ sorry I bumped into you, it's only my third week here, and I'm so--"

"It was my fault," He was frozen in awe, completely gobsmacked that she was here. She was here, she was back, she was...still frantically dabbing his shirt. "Hey, hey, it's fine--"

"It's really not!" Rey choked out and Kylo exhaled loudly with a smile, lightly grabbing her wrists and stilling her hands.

"Believe me, it's...it's more than fine," He dropped her wrists and he wanted to kiss her, to hold her and tell her how much he had missed her, and that he stopped seeing the color green the moment she died in his arms. But now everything was green. Everything was green and beautiful and marvelous, and he felt like crying in joy. So, so green. "It was my fault, yeah? I'll pay for those, okay?"

"I...you're not--you're not going to complain about me to management?" Rey looked beyond confused and Kylo shook his head. "Wow...aren't I lucky that I didn't completely fall onto a rich prick who likes getting girls like me fired? Wow, ha-ha!" Rey laughed in relief as she pushed her shoulder length hair back. "Fuck--fuck, okay, I'm buying you a drink, yeah? It's completely on me, you don't understand how nice it is to have an actually decent human being come in here!"

"Oh, really? I guess a lot of pompous assholes come in here, huh?"

"Oh!" Rey laughed again as she slowly dabbed at his suit jacket again before looking up at him. "You have no absolute idea how many awful men I serve in one night. Last night one tried to grab my arse, can you believe that? Thank God his wife spotted him because my boss tells me I'm not allowed to be 'rude'."

"Did he now?" Kylo muttered as his eyes darkened and Rey nodded quickly as she stepped back.

"You look like a whiskey kind of guy. Can I get you a whiskey on the rocks?"

"No rocks, just whiskey." Alcohol was the only thing his kind could drink that was technically human 'food', but he couldn't have ice or he'd instantly get sick.

"You got it." She winked and clicked her tongue as she shot him finger guns, giving him a wink before whirling around and hurrying over to the bar.

He found himself sitting at the bar and she handed him his drink with a smile. "Thanks again for not being a complete dick, you know? I actually really appreciate it, your girlfriend is lucky."

"I don't--wow, no, I don't have a girlfriend," He laughed breathlessly and Rey bit her lower lip with a grin. _She's so much more forward in this life, isn't she? Yet the smile hasn't changed._

"Oh, you don't? Damn, other team then?" Rey sighed dramatically and Kylo shook his head as he grinned. 

There was something about him that seemed so familiar to her, she just couldn't place it. She'd sworn she'd seen him somewhere before, seen that dark longish hair and that unique handsomeness, but she just couldn't place it no matter how hard she tried. Was he famous, maybe? Was that it?

"Oh, no? So, let me get this straight," She slid on the stool beside him. "You're rich, and I know this because you're staying at The Mark Hotel, you're _incredibly_ attractive, and you really don't have anyone?"

"I used to," His smile faltered slightly and Rey's expression softened. "She, uh--she died..."

"Oh...oh, my God, I'm so sorry," Rey frowned apologetically, the brunette wanting to smack herself on the forehead for being so rudely intrusive. "I'm sorry, sir--"

"It's Kylo," Kylo took a sip from his glass, the liquid sliding down his throat smoothly. "Kylo Ren."

"Rey Niima," Rey smiled again and Kylo felt like crying again. "It's nice to meet you, even if we did meet by me being a complete dolt and running into you."

"Once again, Miss Niima, it was my fault. Not yours."

"I should've seen you," She shook her head and he wanted to lean in and kiss each individual freckle on the bridge of her dainty nose. They were still exactly the same, she looked the exact same except for her hair length. "I don't know how I didn't I see you, but I blame my disassociation. Sometimes I just space out and completely forget where I'm going or where I am, like I'm in some strange dream. Before I bumped into you, I swore I heard old jazz music and I was trying to find the source of it."

His nearly choked on his whiskey mid sip, Rey blinking in shock as he did so. "Oh, my God, are you--"

"I'm great!" He coughed as he flashed her a thumbs up before throwing back the rest of the glass. "I'm great, everything is great!"

"Um...yeah, okay, I have to get back to work, but--"

"Oh, yeah, of course--"

"But can I give you my number?" Rey smiled and Kylo instantly grinned. 

"Yeah, of course. Maybe you can spill drinks on me at another bar."

"Ha-ha, you're funny!" Rey laughed as she grabbed a paper napkin and took a pen out of her black waist apron, writing down her number and then sliding the napkin over to him. "Text me, yeah?"

"Of course," He practically purred out and Rey paused at the sound of it, swearing that it sounded almost exactly like a cat's which shouldn't be humanly possible, before shaking it off and giving him a nod. "I'll text you soon, Miss Niima."

"Just call me Rey." Rey winked before hopping off the stool, going over to the bartender and reordering the martinis she had spilled. 

"Rey," Kylo sighed dreamily as he got his wallet out, slamming down five one hundred dollar bills before getting up and leaving. "I've missed you."

He couldn't help but laugh to himself as he heard her curse loudly in shock at the tip he had left her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is unbelievably short, but I promise the next one will be _much_ longer! This chapter was kind of just like a filler ^^;

Rey had waited until she got home to jump around excitedly while screaming in pure joy, dancing around her apartment as she celebrated both the tip he had left and him just in general.

"BeeBee!" Rey squealed as she picked up the orange and white Scottish Fold laying on her bed, the cat meowing loudly in surprise with wide eyes. "BeeBee, BeeBee, the most _wonderful_ thing happened tonight! I met the nicest man, and he just helped pay our rent! Say 'yay'!" Rey squealed yet again and the cat meowed loudly in a cheery tone.

"God, BeeBee, I think our luck is finally turning around!" She sighed happily as she placed him back on the bed, sitting down as she kicked her feet excitedly on the hardwood floor of her small apartment. "I just got that new job that pays well, Finn and Poe named me as their maid of honor yesterday, and now Kylo! After so many years of being thrown around, I think everything is finally getting good! It only took twenty-three years, huh?" Rey laughed breathlessly as she collapsed onto her back on the bed, BeeBee curling up beside her as he purred loudly.

"I can't believe he left me five hundred dollars, I really, really can't! Of course I had to subtract thirty dollars or so for the martinis I spilled, but still! Still! _Five hundred dollars_!" Rey couldn't stop smiling, warmth engulfing her as she replayed the memory of him over and over again in her head. 

"I feel like I've seen him before though, you know? But I've never heard of a 'Kylo Ren' before...have you, BeeBee?" She looked up and over at the cat to see him yawn. "I'll take that as a no, huh?" She sighed as she let her head fall back on the bed, inhaling deeply as she placed her hand over her heart. It was thumping wildly, Rey practically hearing it pound in her ears. 

"Maybe I could call Finn and ask? He runs into famous people all the time where he works at that exclusive gym, maybe he knows him? Do you think?" Rey murmured as a sudden exhaustion came over her, BeeBee getting up and jumping on her chest. Rey let out a loud 'oof' as she picked him up and sat up, his tail swishing as he looked up at her with big orange eyes. "Christ, what is in the cat food I'm giving you? Cement?"

BeeBee only swished his tail at this and she put him down on the ground before standing up and stretching, a yawn escaping her mouth as she did so. "Mmn, I should sleep soon..." She ruffled her hair before going into the bathroom, turning on the shower before peeling off her cocktail server attire. It was just your basic black dress shirt and black pants, sometimes Rey feeling daring and wearing a tie every so often. 

She was beyond glad they didn't make her wear a short, tight dress like they had at her last job at that nightclub, but she honestly didn't know what she had expected when she had applied there. But now she had this job, and besides the men who saw her as only as an object, it was a really good job and it paid really well. 

And Kylo had tipped her _five hundred dollars_. She couldn't tell if it was a flirtatious act or because he felt bad because she kept apologizing, but she didn't care. He was so nice, so incredibly kind to her, and that's exactly what she had needed in her life for years.

Of course she had Finn and Poe and Rose, but she hadn't of exactly been in a romantic relationship in what seemed like eons. She didn't exactly click very well with people, as people tended to label her as 'awkward' and 'too straight forward', and she always had hated that. It wasn't her fault that she spoke her mind, she always preferred the truth anyways. 'The truth can set you free', that's the saying, isn't it?

She got out of the shower thirty minutes later, quickly checking her phone excitedly as she grabbed it off the bathroom counter to see if he had texted, and her face fell slightly at no new notifications. "Oh...oh, no, that's okay! It's five in the morning anyways, I'm sure he just went to sleep like a normal human does. I'm pretty sure he's not an insomniac like me." Rey forced a laugh as she put the phone back down, drying her hair off as she stared at herself in the small bathroom mirror.

"I swear to God I've seen him before..." Rey muttered before sighing and hanging her head. "Magazine, maybe? Is he an author? God, I don't know! I have no idea whatso--" Her phone dinged and she instantly scrambled over to it, turning it on with a huge grin to see--oh, it was Rose.

_Rosey Posey: Hey girl hey! Do u want 2 come clubbing with me 2morrow? I miss u :(_

"Jesus, Rose, I don't think I'll ever get used to your style of texting." Rey laughed as she quickly typed back.

_Me: No, I can't :( I've got work from ten at night to three in the morning again_

The reply came back quick, and Rey wasn't exactly surprised. Rose had always been a fast texter.

_Rosey Posey: Damn! :(((( I am the big sad! Maybe Saturday? I want to hook u up with a cute guy I met yesterday!_

"You're a little too late for that," Rey chuckled as she typed back.

_Me: No cute guy for me, I'll explain on Saturday. I gotta go to sleep, but I'll text you in the morning, okay?_

_Rosey Posey: AHHHHHHHH REY DID U MEET SOME1?????? OMG IM SO PROUD OF U_ Rose sent a gif along with the text of a man throwing confetti, Rey laughing loudly as she shook her head. Rose always sent the best gifs that fit the mood every time.

_Me: Maybe ;)_

_Rosey Posey: TELL ME EVERYTHING ON SATURDAY OR ELSE! Get some good sleep girlie love u!!!!!_

Rey clicked off her phone and put it back on the counter, drying her hair one last time before wrapping the towel around her as she grabbed her phone and exited said bathroom.

She dropped the towel in front of her closet, yanking an old Crystal Castles t-shirt off a hanger and slipping it on as well as a pair of ratty blue pajama shorts. She ran over to her bed and collapsed on top of it, sighing loudly in content as she closed her eyes. "Everything is going to great," She murmured tiredly as she smiled. "Everything is going to be just great from now on."

\-------------------------------------------------

Kylo gasped loudly as he tore away from the woman's neck he had brought to his bedroom earlier, letting her limp body fall the ground as he stood over her. 

"You all taste the same," He sighed as he crouched down, grabbing her chin as her eyes stared lifelessly up at the ceiling. "You all taste of desperation and unrequited love. It's pathetic, really." He smirked as he let go of her chin, patting her cheek harshly before standing up and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

The sun was coming up soon, and he'd need to get to sleep in order to be able to have a clear mind for tomorrow. He knew Hux would take care of the body, moving away from her as he went over to the bed and plopped down on it.

"Oh, shit," He gasped as he grabbed his phone off of the nightstand, quickly typing in Rey's phone number from his photographic memory. "I forgot to text her! Do you see what you did, Linda?" Kylo growled over at the body before looking back at his phone and quickly typing a message. 

"Fucking distracting me from what's important, that's what you did." He muttered as he pressed send, sighing as he put the phone back on the nightstand and laid down.

He knew she wouldn't reply until morning, and he'd see her reply when he woke up when the sun set, but still, he was excited. He had every right to be excited because _Kira was back_. He had thought he had lost her forever, that she was just another soul doomed to wander around limbo forever, but she had come back.

She had come back just for him.

"Soon, Kira," He smiled as he placed his arms behind his head, locking his fingers behind his head as his head rested back against his palms. "We'll be back together soon, I promise, and I'm not losing you this time. I'm not losing you ever again, and I'll make sure Snoke can't do anything about it until it's too late."

He was going to turn her the moment she remembered everything.

"Kira, I love you."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for dissociation episode and mention of past child abuse
> 
> (Each time I try to write something happy, it always becomes so tragically dark and I sincerely apologize for this--)

"You did not--"

"I did!"

"You gave someone your number and they actually accepted it?" Finn's jaw dropped and Rey scowled as she playfully pushed him away from her as they were walking down the street near Finn and Poe's apartment complex in the early afternoon. 

"Why do you have such little faith in me?" Rey pouted as she crossed her arms across her chest and Finn laughed loudly. 

"It's not that I don't have faith in you, peanut, it's just that you normally...you know, you freak them out a little--"

"It's not my fault the last guy doesn't get humor--"

"Rey, you joked about jumping off a building--"

"I did not! I genuinely was curious how long it would take to fall off of the roof to the ground!" Rey huffed and Finn stifled a laugh as he looked over at her. "I'm not suicidal, you know that, I just...I'm morbidly curious about death, is that so bad?"

"Asking how long it'd take to fall off of a building on a first date? Yeah, that's pretty fucking bad, I'm not gonna lie." Finn gently nudged her shoulder and she sighed as she looked down.

"But tell me about this guy, huh? I mean, you were really excited when you called me this morning and told me you woke up to a text that said ' _Dinner?_ '."

"Mmn, yeah! I texted back yes right away but I'm sure he's just busy...plus I don't wanna seem desperate or anything so I'm not gonna--"

"You already sent him a picture of BeeBee, didn't you?" Finn smirked smugly and Rey cursed under her breath before quickly nodding. "Do you do that with every new person you meet? I mean, you sent a photo of BeeBee to Poe, me, and Rose after you sent us your first ever text."

"Everyone loves cats! It's a good tactic and conversation starter!" Rey huffed yet again and Finn laughed once more. "What, it totally is! Tell me you didn't love him the moment I sent you that photo of him with his little bowtie collar!"

"I love that absolute unit of a cat with my whole heart, Rey," Finn grinned at her as he placed his hand over his heart. "You know I do, and so does Poe and Rose. In fact, Poe sketches that little bastard anytime he has art block."

"Oh, God, I know," Rey sighed happily. "I think my favorite was when he drew him as a Edgar Allan Poe. The little raven on his head really made the whole drawing, I still have it framed in my bedroom."

"He specifically drew that for you because of your love for those tragic poets. Speaking of which, did Rose give you that Emily Dickinson book?" Finn asked and Rey nodded excitedly as she clapped her hands together with a huge grin on her face.

"Yes, of course! I've read it at least three times already--"

"Christ, she only gave it to you last week! What do you do, not put it down until you're finished?"

"That's the only way to read a book, don't you know? You can't--" Rey suddenly paused as they passed an alley, the brunette furrowing her brows as she slowly backed up.

"Rey? Rey, are you--"

"What is this place...?" Rey whispered as she stared down the dark alley at an old red door with its paint chipped severely.

"Oh, I don't know. Come on, let's go back, yeah?" Finn grabbed her arm but she jerked back, her eyes slowly widening as red flashed before her eyes.

She suddenly saw herself laying in the alley with blood pooling around her, her chest ripped open and her eyes staring up at the sky. It was her, but at the same time...it wasn't. Her hair had never been that short in her life, she didn't own a dress anything like that, and...and so much blood...

"W-what...F-Finn...?" Rey choked out and Finn quickly turned her towards him by grabbing her shoulders, worry etched all over his face.

"Rey--Jesus, you're bleeding!" Finn's eyes widened and Rey instantly wiped her nose, her hand coming back smeared with blood. 

"I--I saw--"

"Come on, we're going back to the apartment! Tilt your head back and pinch your nose! Why didn't you tell me your nosebleeds were back?!" Finn grabbed her hand and she looked back down the alley as they ran past her, the vision of her body no longer there but she could still see the red that stained the ground.

"I didn't...I didn't even know they were back..." She felt herself disassociating, her eyelids fluttering for a moment as all noise around her became white static. She couldn't hear Finn, but she could clearly see him talking to her. "Am I really here...?" She whispered and Finn looked beyond worried now, Rey feeling numbness creep up her body and slowly take over.

There was a loud ringing in her ears as they continued to run, Rey nearly collapsing as Finn scooped her up in his arms and ran faster.

She blinked and they were suddenly in his apartment, Poe crouching down in front of her as she sat on the couch with his hands on her knees. She blinked again and tried to make out what he was saying, slowly shaking her head as she felt more blood trickle down from her nose.

Everything was blurry, like she was looking through a thick veil, and she was sure the things around her were distorting. Everything looked grey, like there was no color left in the world, and she felt hollow as she could only sit by and watch it happen.

She felt like she was eight and locked in Plutt's basement all over again, screaming and banging on the locked door to be let out and that she was going to be good now.

And then her vision blackened as she heard someone, a familiar voice she couldn't quite place, whisper a name that wasn't hers.

\------------------------------------------------

When Rey woke up, she was still on Finn and Poe's couch. She could distinctly hear Rose panicking in the kitchen, Finn and Poe trying their best to calm her down.

"Y-you're fucking telling me that you guys aren't scared?! Her dissociation episodes haven't been this bad in three years, and the nosebleeds stopped three years ago as well! How could you two sit there and tell me that you're not afraid for her?!"

"Rosie, she'll be okay! She'll be fine, yeah? I'll take her to the doctor first thing tomorrow morning, I'm sure it was just a minor bounce back. Her anxiety meds have been helping her greatly and so has that therapist of hers, yeah?" Finn spoke softly and Rey slowly sat up, holding her head as she closed her eyes and breathed shakily.

"We need to be positive," Poe stated in a comforting tone. "We need to be positive around her, we can't let her spiral, okay? Of course we're afraid, Rose, but we can't show that fear. She needs positivity and optimism right now, because if they do get as bad as they were...well, it'll be okay because we'll get her any help she needs."

"I'm okay..." Rey spoke quietly and Rose came scampering out of the kitchen.

"Rey!" Rose gasped loudly as she rushed over, kneeling beside the couch and grabbing Rey's hand. "Are you okay?"

"I'm sure Finn is right," Rey smiled tiredly and Rose frowned. "It's probably just a small bounce back, there's no way the dissociation episodes can get as bad as they did back then--"

"Finn told me you were gushing blood from your nose, Rey--"

"What?" Rey blinked and Poe rushed in from the kitchen, handing Rey a glass of water and a tylenol pill. "Wait, how bad--"

"Rose is exaggerating, you weren't gushing blood," Finn sighed as he came in and Rey looked at Poe, the man silently nodding.

"Ugh, fine, maybe you weren't _gushing_ \--"

"...I can't miss work tonight," Rey's face suddenly fell and Poe sucked in his breath with a guilty expression. "Poe, please tell me you didn't already call them and tell them that I can't come in and--"

"All three of us kinda did," Rose smiled apologetically and Rey felt like crying. She couldn't lose this job, she couldn't! Everything was slowly becoming perfect, like she was finally putting the right pieces of the puzzle called life together, and her fucking nosebleeds and dissociation had ruined it.

Like they always fucking _did_ at the worst possible moments.

"N-no, I can't lose this job!"

"Shh, shh, you're not gonna lose your job!" Rose stood up as she cradled Rey's face in her hands, Rey choking back a sob as tears welled in her eyes. "You're not gonna lose your job, my love, okay? We explained everything in great detail and they completely understood that you're taking one night off! You're not gonna lose your job, okay?"

"O-okay," Rey nodded quickly as she hiccuped and Poe nodded towards the water and pill in her hands. "I'm not going to lose my job?"

"No, peanut," Finn sighed as he sat on the edge of the couch, Rey tossing the pill back and slowly gulping the water down as Rose stepped back.

"You're going to stay here for just a few more hours, okay? It's almost seven-fifty," Poe sighed as he stood up and Rey silently nodded. She had slept for nearly nine hours. Great, fucking splendid. "You can go back to sleep or I can set you up with the laptop in the bedroom--"

"I can do it myself, thanks," Rey smiled as she handed the empty glass back to Poe. "You guys and Rose should discuss the wedding planning, yeah? I mean, she is a wedding planner after all."

"I'm the best damned wedding planner on this planet and so help me God if I can't get BeeBee to walk down the aisle in a little suit as the ring bearer," Rose clapped her hands together as she looked up at the ceiling with an overdramatic, tearful expression. "I love that chunky cat to death, none of you understand."

"No, I'm pretty sure we all understand, BeeBee is the reason why we're all so close. If Rey hadn't of sent us individually a picture of that glorious animal," Poe grinned and Finn snorted loudly. "None of us would be as close as we are now."

"BeeBee is the best," Rey chuckled as she stood up, forcing herself not to stumble as she walked to the bedroom. "If you can't get me out of your bed, it's not my fault. You guys just had to buy a boujee goose feather mattress."

"That mattress is fantastic!" Poe laughed and Rey walked into the bedroom, closing the door behind her as she sighed loudly and hung her head. Her phone dinged and she tiredly grabbed it from her back pocket.

_Kylo: Oh, he's great! Scottish Folds are an adorable breed._

"Aw...ha-ha, I knew you were a good guy," She smiled as she typed back. "No good person could ever hate BeeBee, it's just not physically possible."

_Me: Isn't he, though? I rescued him as a kitten about three years ago or so, he's kinda my best friend. He's a little big but it that only makes him more snuggly._

She was genuinely surprised to see him typing back so fast, Rey blinking with wide eyes as she slowly walked over to the bed.

_Kylo: I bet he is. Are you working tonight? I thought maybe we could both have a drink this time. Would one work? I have a business meeting until then._

She instantly deflated as she read the text, her shoulders slumping down as she sat down on the bed. 

_Me: No, I'm sorry, I won't be working tonight._

_Kylo: Are you okay?_

Rey stared at the text for a moment before laying back and swallowing the lump in her throat. No, she wasn't okay. She hadn't been okay since she was a child, since Plutt had taken her in as his foster child and--no, she wasn't going to think about that right now. Too much had already happened in one day.

_Me: I'm fine! Sometimes I just get these killer nosebleeds, no biggie :)_

"Should I have told him that?" Rey whispered shakily as her hands began to tremble, fear blossoming in her chest. She didn't want to ruin this, not this soon, everything had been so good, why did she always have to--

_Kylo: Oh, my sincerest apologies. I would rather you stay home and be well than force yourself to work. Health comes first, correct?_

She hadn't of blown it. She hadn't of blown it and she could nearly cry from the relief flooding her system. He still liked her, this was good! Everything was still good!

_Me: Yes, totally! I'll miss you though, maybe you can get another cocktail server to spill drinks all over you?_

_Kylo: No, just you. Only you, Rey._

She blushed darkly at the text and clicked off her phone as she looked up at the ceiling with wide eyes, excitement building up within her as a smile crept up on her lips. "Just me, huh?" She turned her phone back on and quickly typed a response.

 _Me: You could come over to my place later, if you want. You could meet BeeBee! Unless that's too soon?_

Rey felt fear swell up again and she was honestly getting sick of the emotional rollercoaster she was going through. It hadn't been this bad in three years, and she didn't understand why it was happening again. It had to be that alley, it had to be that hallucination of herself dead that triggered it.

_Kylo: Send me your address, I'll be there at one._

Rey nearly cried in joy as she quickly sent him her address.

\------------------------------------------------

Kylo smiled as he put his phone back in his pocket, Hux glancing over at him and looking him up and down suspiciously as they stood in the back of the living room of the house Snoke had rented.

"Why do you look so happy?" Hux asked in a snarky tone and Kylo shrugged as he shoved his hands in his suit pants' pockets. 

"I defeated an extremely hard level on candy crush,"

"Bollocks, you don't play candy crush--"

"And you would know this how?" Kylo arched a brow as he looked over at him and Hux scowled bitterly. "No, please, inform me on how you know which apps are and aren't on my phone. I'm genuinely curious."

"...You just don't seem like the candy crush type of man, I don't know," Hux bristled and Kylo smirked. "It's such a human thing to play, why would you--"

"It passes time? Honestly, Hux, don't tell me you've never played games on your phone before. You've had to have played scrabble on there at _least_ once."

"...Maybe I do have the scrabble app on my phone and beat the machine each and every time I play it," Hux grinned and Kylo barked out a laugh. "Maybe I don't, who knows?"

"I think you just told me you did," Kylo purred out and Hux gently elbowed him in the chest as he softly chuckled.

"Boys!" Kylo tensed up as he saw Snoke approaching them, the seven foot tall, heavily scarred man grinning from ear to ear. "My boys, how are you, huh? Look at you, Kylo!" Snoke held Kylo's face in his hands and Kylo forced a smile. "My, my, you haven't aged a day!"

"You made me that way, remember?" Kylo desperately tried to keep the venom from seeping out of his tone, the polite smile still painted on his lips.

"Oh, but of course! You're my greatest creation, my best progeny!" Snoke beamed and Hux cursed quietly under his breath as he looked away. If Kylo could make Hux Snoke's favorite, he would. Hux wanted to be his favorite so much more than he ever did, and he'd gladly give him that title if he could.

"How are you liking New York, Kylo?" Snoke smirked and Kylo laughed as the man (barely a man, really) pulled back.

"It's wonderful," _I fucking hate you._ "You did an amazing job as usual, my Lord." _I'm not letting you ever touch her again, I'm not letting you find out about her. Ever. Not until she's already turned and there's nothing you can do about it._

"Did you visit the alley yet, my boy?" Snoke's blue eyes twinkled with twisted delight and Kylo shook his head with the same smile. _FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU._

"She was nothing," It hurt him internally to say that. "She was a nobody, my Lord."

"You're exactly right," Snoke purred as he cradled Kylo's face in his hands again. "She _was_ nothing."

 _SHE WAS EVERYTHING TO ME AND YOU KNEW THAT! SHE WAS ALL I FUCKING HAD!_ "Of course." Kylo chuckled and Snoke nodded as he preened at his progeny's response.

"The humans will be here soon, we can speak after, yes?"

"Of course." _All I want is to be with her right now._

"Wonderful!" Snoke laughed before going off and Hux glanced over at Kylo with a slightly wary expression.

"He may not be able to tell when you're faking it, but I certainly can, and I suggest you step outside for a moment before you start breaking things like you _always_ do." Hux whispered dead quietly and Kylo gave him a single nod before quickly walking over the sliding glass patio door and opening it, wanting nothing more than to slam it behind him but he knew better not to.

He inhaled the night air deeply as he walked over to the railing, looking down at the city from where he was up on the twentieth story. "I wonder how long it'd take to fall?" He muttered as he leaned over slightly more.

"Oh, Ren, you've never really been the suicidal type. What happened?" Phasma chuckled behind him and he scoffed with a smile as he pulled back to look at her. 

She had slightly curled her exceptionally short blonde hair this evening and, of course, was wearing a red dress. Red and black were always mandatory at these things.

"I'm just looking down at the city, Phasma, do you really think me a fool enough to jump?" 

"I don't know, you're pretty unpredictable," She walked over and handed him the flask in her hand, Kylo unscrewing the lid and taking a swig of the vodka that lay within the metal container. "I think that's why he likes you so much. You're the angriest out of all of us. You could probably take down an entire country with just your bare hands."

"I think you forget I almost did when I was human," He smiled fondly before taking another swig and then handing it back to her. "I fought in a lot of battles."

"What was that, five hundred and ninety-five years ago, now? Christ, time goes so fast, doesn't it?" Phasma sighed as she leaned her back against the balcony railing. "I feel like it was only yesterday when technology hadn't of even existed yet."

"Yes, well, you're two hundred years older than me," Kylo laughed and Phasma glanced over at him. "I'm sure time moves much quicker for you than it does for me."

"It slowed down for you when she died, didn't it?" Phasma whispered and Kylo instantly tensed up. "I tried to help you, Kylo, I tried to tell you what would happen--"

"She's dead now, why are we talking about this?" Kylo looked over at her with anger in his eyes and Phasma frowned. "She's gone, drop it, and I would appreciate it if you never bring her up again."

"I know you loved her--"

" _Drop it_!" Kylo snarled as his fangs popped out and Phasma instantly jumped, his eyes glowing red in the darkness. "I said not to bring her up!"

"...I'll leave you alone." Phasma spoke quietly before going back inside, Kylo growling loudly as he gripped the railing and glared forward. 

_Kira...Kira, I'm coming soon, don't worry. Everything will go back to the way they were, we'll kill Snoke together and then we can leave to be just by ourselves._ "Just us," He breathed shakily as his eyes slowly returned to normal. "Just us, only us." He closed his eyes as his fangs retracted, letting out another shaky breath as his body relaxed.

"Just us, only us."


	4. Chapter 4

Rey slowly unlocked her apartment door around half past midnight, pushing the door open and stepping inside. She felt drained, to say the least, and she had slept more in that day than she normally does in an entire week.

BeeBee came running up to her as she closed the door behind her, Rey picking him up and burying her face in the fur of his neck. "Hey, baby..." Rey whispered as she closed her eyes and BeeBee mewled loudly as he began to purr.

"We have a guest coming soon, okay? I'm going to need you to be on your very best behavior and show him the uttermost kindness." Rey kissed the top of his head before putting him down, walking to her room and sitting down on the bed with a far off expression. She was still feeling slightly dazed from sleep, and, of course, from what happened earlier that day.

She still didn't exactly know why she hallucinated herself dead in that alley, she hadn't hallucinated that badly in almost five years. Sometimes, she'll hallucinate bugs on the walls, but that's easily fixed by just closing her eyes and focusing on her breathing. 

She didn't even realize that fifteen minutes had past until she heard a knock on the door, Rey cursing loudly as she scrambled to the front door and threw it open with wide eyes.

"Hey," Kylo smiled and Rey felt all air leave her lungs as she stood there dumbly for a moment. His smile faltered slightly and Rey quickly shook her head.

"Hey! Hey, hey, sorry! Come in!" Rey laughed nervously as she stepped out of the way and Kylo stepped in as his eyes wandered the small and quaint apartment. There were two huge bookcases in the living room as well as numerous small ones, the color theme white and...green. Oh, God, Kylo wanted to jump for joy. Green, she was green, and so was everything around her.

"I'm sorry, I've had a little bit of a rough day," Rey smiled as she ruffled her hair with one hand before putting her hands on her hips and rocking back and forth on her heels. 

"But you're alright?" Kylo asked as he went over to the bookshelf in the right corner of the living room. _So much poetry..._

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes, it's nothing," Rey waved her hand dismissively and Kylo slowly pulled a book from the shelf. 

"Emily Dickinson?" Kylo smiled as he turned to look at her, Rey laughing softly as she came over and took the book from his hands.

"She's one of my favorites," Rey opened the book, flipping through the pages until she stopped at one. "This one is my favorite, have you read it?" Rey gently handed it back to him and Kylo stared down at it, his smile slowly fading.

"My favorite line is ' _With Gifts of Life, how Death's Gifts compared, we know not--_ '"

"' _For the Rates lie Here._ '" Kylo finished quietly and Rey looked up at him. "Her poems always have this...underlying sadness to them, even if the poem itself isn't sad. You can always feel that underlying sadness no matter what because--"

"The poet themselves are always sad," Rey looked like she was beyond in awe, her eyes shining up at him brightly. "I've always thought the same thing."

"Have you?" Kylo muttered and Rey nodded as she looked back down at the book. 

"You can borrow it, if you want. I have so many of her poetry books, and I've read that one at least five hundred times." Rey looked back up at him and suddenly paused. He was looking at her as if she was the very world, as if she was holding him down to earth, and no one had ever looked at her in such a way in her entire life.

"I...um..." Rey trailed off as they continued to just look at each other, Kylo making that inhuman purring noise in the back of his throat like he did at the bar. 

This felt too familiar, his eyes too similar for her to have never met him before. She wanted to reach out and touch him, have him touch her in return. She wanted to kiss him, to be held by him, to have him whisper her name in her ear as she lay beneath him.

She felt like she was in a dream slightly, and she was afraid that another episode was starting up. "Is this...real...?"

"Yes," He put the book back on the shelf and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and that distant feeling vanished as soon as it had come. _That's strange_ , she thought. _That's not how that works...but his touch feels so grounding._ "Yes, Rey, this is real." He caressed her cheek and she instantly leaned into his cool touch, closing her eyes as she placed her hand over his and let out a shuddering breath. "This is more than real."

"I feel like I know you..." Rey whispered as she furrowed her brows with her eyes still closed, and Kylo sighed softly as tilted her chin up to which she opened her eyes.

"Let's go out, yeah? Are you hungry? I'll get you anything you want." His tone was so soft, so gentle and full of care, and Rey couldn't help but smile.

"I'm starving, yeah."

\------------------------------------------------------

"I can't believe you asked me out for food and didn't get anything! I'm a little offended," Rey laughed as she twirled her plastic fork in her cup of pho, the two of them leaning against the wall outside of the restaurant.

"I can't believe you asked for it in a to-go cup just to eat it outside," Kylo chuckled and Rey shrugged. "What's wrong with inside of the restaurant?"

"Oh, nothing! I just really love to people watch, you know?" She popped the fork into her mouth, chewing the noodles and then swallowing before speaking again. "Restuarants only have so many people, but out here on the street hundreds of people walk past you in only a matter of minutes."

"You listen in on people's conversations?"

"Ah, no," Rey blushed as she dropped the fork back in the cup. "I like to make up conversations that two people are having from far away."

"What do you mean?" Kylo arched a brow and Rey nodded towards a couple from across the street in front of a diner, the female aggressively talking to him while smacking her hand down on her palm repeatedly as the male looked incredibly apologetic and looked like he was trying to reason with her.

"Okay, see them? She's...hmm..." Rey smiled before laughing. "She's upset with him because he forgot to feed the cat and now she's refusing to go to California with him for their anniversary. She wants a divorce."

"Wow, she's overdramatic then, isn't she?" Kylo murmured and Rey snorted loudly before nodding. 

"Okay, okay, now you go!"

"No, I don't think--"

"No, come on, it's fun! It's super fun, come on! Sometimes I make up back stories for them too, like...those two girls over there? The ones in pink? They are actresses but they only get cast for the strangest things. The redhead recently got cast for a cereal box shoot and the blonde got cast for a commercial only about soap."

"Soap?" Kylo snorted quietly in amusement and Rey smiled up at him. "Out of all things to come up with you chose 'cereal box shoot' and 'soap commercial'?" 

"Mmn, I'm not feeling very creative right now...try to do better than me, come on!" She nudged him and he sighed quietly with a smile as his eyes darted around the street.

"Hmm...okay, what about them?" Kylo nodded towards two men sitting side by side on the edge of the sidewalk.

"Ooh, yes, okay! What's the story?" Rey gasped excitedly and Kylo hummed quietly.

"The one on the left is getting married to the one on the right's best friend,"

"Ooh, yeah! That's good so far!"

"But what the one on the left doesn't know is that the one on the right has been hooking up with her and he's telling him right now because he's being consumed by guilt because he's also grown to see him as a best friend."

"Oh, yeah, that's--" Rey was cut off by the man on the left shouting and punching the one on the right in the face, the brunette gasping loudly as she almost dropped her cup. Passerbys quickly interfered and pulled them apart, the one on the right shouting apologies over and over again as the other the one on the left screamed at him.

Rey slowly looked at over at Kylo with wide eyes to see him smirking at the scene, his arms crossed across his chest as he chuckled quietly.

"How...how did you--"

"Oh, you don't know if that's what they're fighting about. I just got a lucky guess I suppose, hmm?" He looked down at her and Rey blinked a few times before looking back at the scene and then back up at him.

He did not take a lucky guess, in fact, he had purposely focused on their conversation and heard every word because their conversation was the most interesting one on the busy street.

"Yeah...super lucky," Rey breathed out and Kylo grinned from ear to ear. "Like, holy cow! Are you psychic or something?"

"Nah, maybe I'm just really good at reading body language." He shrugged with a grin still and Rey laughed before twirling more noodles around her fork. "That was extremely fun watching it happen though, that's the most riveting thing I've seen in years."

"Years? Oh, geez, you need to get out more then!" She laughed loudly and he looked down at her.

"Are you secretly asking me on a second date?"

"Oh, I wouldn't do that secretly," She laughed again. "I'm a very straight forward person, and is it really not obvious that I would love a second date?" Rey arched a brow as she looked up at him and Kylo blinked before barking out a laugh and looking back forward. Rey suddenly felt her stomach drop and she was terrified that she came off as obsessed. "I-I mean--"

"You really aren't lying about being straight forward, huh?" He raked a hand through his hair and Rey felt like crying. _O-oh, God, I've fucked everything up--_

"And here I thought I was going to have to politely beg you for a second date." He grinned down at her and she stayed silent for a moment before laughing hysterically.

"Are you joking? This is the most fun I've had in ages, you're great! You don't ever have to beg me--"

"Oh, I don't know about that," Kylo's smile slightly vanished as he spoke without thinking, his mind flashed back to that night where he had begged her to stay alive and hold on as she died in his arms. 

"I hope you aren't talking, um...sexually..." Rey's cheeks flushed bright red and Kylo nearly choked on his spit before he shook his head.

"No! G-God, no, I'm so sorry--"

"N-no! No, no, it's my fault for assuming--"

"No, God, no, it's mine! Anyone would think that that could be sexually suggestive--"

"No, no! I'm _so_ sorry for assuming anything like that--"

"No, it's--" Kylo sighed as he cut himself off, knowing this would go on forever if they didn't stop. "Rey, I'm sorry."

"No, it's--"

"Shh," Kylo cradled her face in his hands and she almost dropped the cup again, her cheeks turning even redder. "You haven't done anything wrong. Ever."

"I-I--okay," Rey squeaked out and Kylo smiled softly. "Thank you."

"...Come on, I wish to take you somewhere." He pulled away from her before offering out his hand, Rey blinking before walking off. Kylo's face twisted in confusion before seeing her promptly throw away the cup, running back over and holding out her hand.

"I'm sorry, I like to put my hand in my hoodie pockets when I walk most of the time. It's just like a feeling of security. It's weird, I know." Rey smiled sheepishly and Kylo's expression softened. "It's like...if I can feel something, grab onto something, I know it's re--" She cut herself off before looking incredibly anxious. "Nevermind--"

"It's okay, come on." He spoke softly as he gently pulled her forward and began walking side by side with him, shoving her hand in her pocket before lacing their fingers together and squeezing his hand softly while looking up at him with a smile.

He wanted nothing more than to hold her in that moment, pick her up and hold her against him tightly and bury his face in her neck. He had missed her so much, spent so many hours awake just staring up at the ceiling thinking of her. Only her. _Just her_. 

"Come along," He started walking forward and she walked along side with him, a small skip to her step and he noticed she hadn't stopped smiling for one single second. 

They walked for a good twenty moments before he led her down a flight of underground stairs, letting go of her hand as they stood in front of two metal doors. 

"Kylo, where are we?" Rey asked softly and Kylo only smiled before opening the doors. Rey looked at him strangely before stepping inside, Kylo quickly following her and leading her up another set of stairs.

She honestly couldn't believe it when she was suddenly standing on the stage of an old theatre, Rey covering her lower face with her hands as she let out a loud gasp of awe.

"Oh, my God...Kylo, this is _beautiful_! How do you even know this place exists?" She uncovered her face as she looked over at him and he only smiled before jumping off the stage and running up the seat isles to the box at the front. 

"Kylo, where are you--"

"Just hang on, you're going to love this!" He called out as he went into the box, flipping a few switches and suddenly a spotlight overhead turned on. 

Something had been placed over the spotlight with tiny star shapes, stars coating both her and the stage and she gasped again before laughing loudly and looking down at her hands to see the light upon them.

"Kylo, this is brilliant! Did you do this or was that already there?"

"I own this theatre," Kylo chuckled as he came walking back and Rey's jaw dropped. "It has...sentimental value to me."

"You own this theatre? Gosh, what's so sentimental about it that you had to buy it?" Rey asked as Kylo got back up on the stage.

 _It's where we kissed for the first time after watching your stupid friend Kaydel's play._ "Oh, you know, just the value of it itself. I've seen a few plays here." _It was backstage during intermission, we completely missed the second half because we got too lost in each other in the costume closet._

"I love stars," Rey sighed happily as she turned around, walking over to the wall behind them and gently touching where some of the stars lay. "They're born by simply just bursting into existence, coming into the universe with a bang...but it takes a million years to do so. It takes so long for them to be born, to come to life, but when they do," Rey exhaled loudly with a smile. "They're blinding." She looked over at him with that same smile and he breathed shakily.

"You got a smile like the sun, you know that?" He spoke with awe in his tone and Rey blushed darkly before snorting and shaking her head.

"No, I don't--"

"Yes," He walked over to her and pushed her hair over to one side of her neck. "You do, you always have, and I'll tell you over and over again that you do." He couldn't stop himself from pulling her close, just holding her closely against him as he rested his cheek on top of her head and closed his eyes.

He laughed breathlessly as she put her arms around him, clinging to him tightly as she let out a shaky breath.

"You're so, so familiar..." Rey whispered and Kylo squeezed his eyes shut tighter as he held her even closer. "Are you sure I haven't seen you somewhere before?"

"Maybe in another life," His voice was barely a whisper, his arms around her never loosening. "Maybe in a different time."

"Mmn...maybe..." Rey let herself slip into relaxation, her body going lax as she closed her eyes. He smelled like pine and spearmint, this icy mixture with the crisp of nature, and she suddenly found this to be her new favorite scent. No candle smelled like this, no cologne nor perfume, this was him. This was entirely him.

He slowly pulled back and she looked up at him, their eyes locking and Rey decided, that in the moment, she would make the biggest move of her entire life.

She pulled him down by the collar of his suit jacket and kissed him, Kylo kissing back without missing a beat and cupping her face in his hands. Rey pulled back to smile and instantly smiled back before kissing her again, Rey laughing into the kiss as he picked her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist, draping one arm around his shoulder as she placed her hand on his cheek.

"Is this too straight forward?" She smiled into the kiss and he pulled back to instantly shake his head, pressing their foreheads together as he grinned.

"No, no, this is wonderful. I love this version of you."

Rey didn't understand what he meant but shrugged it off as she kissed him once more, the both of them bathed in faux starlight.

\------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, okay, but there _are_ over two hundred corpses on Mount Everest! No one can go up there and get them without the risk of dying as well, so they're just up there frozen! Can you imagine being stuck up on a mountain until the end of time knowing that people know you're up there but unable to give you a proper burial?" Rey walked hand in hand with Kylo back to her apartment, Kylo just staring down at her with an adoring look. 

"I really can't, no," Kylo smiled and Rey nodded quickly. "That's terrible, what a terrible grave the top of a mountain must be."

She stopped in front of her building, looking up towards the roof. "How long do you think it would take to fall from the roof? Given that this is a fourteen story building?" Rey spoke without thinking and that familiar fear crept back into her system. _Oh, God, why did I did say that when it failed so miserably on the last date I went--_

"Three and a half seconds," Kylo answered without skipping a beat and Rey's head whipped up towards him with a shocked expression. "It would take exactly three and a half seconds for you to hit the ground."

 _...I think I just found my soulmate._ "I'd ask you to come back in, but it's almost three in the morning and I'm sure you have to get back to the hotel,"

"Mmn...you're probably right," Kylo frowned slightly, knowing she needed to go to sleep. "But I can see you tomorrow night, yeah?"

"Well," Rey slid in front of him and grabbed his other hand as she grinned up at him. "Maybe we can hang out in the day? We could go to the park or--"

"I can't," He squeezed her hands and Rey's smile faltered. "I have meetings all day, I can't, I'm sorry."

"Oh...oh, that's--that's okay! We can hang out at night, that's fine!" Rey quickly smiled again and Kylo slowly nodded with an apologetic expression. "Night is totally okay, too!"

"Sleep well, okay?" He let go of her hands to caress her cheek, stroking his thumb along her cheekbone. "Text me when you wake up, I'll reply the moment I get out of work."

"Yeah," She nodded. "Yeah, of course. You can meet BeeBee tomorrow night as well! I don't know why he wouldn't come out of my room, he's normally never that skiddish."

Kylo didn't have the heart to tell her that almost animals were deathly afraid of him as he smelled like the world's biggest predator to them, and they were right. "Yeah, I'll meet BeeBee."

"Good night, Kylo." Rey leaned up slightly and kissed him softly before pulling away from him, going up to the building before turning around and waving at him.

"Good night, Rey." Kylo whispered as he waved back, a sense of heavy dejavu coming over him as she smiled and waved again before opening the door and disappearing inside.

He stood there until she went into the elevator, Kylo quietly going to the side of the building and throwing his suit jacket off, unbuttoning the buttons on the wrists of his black dress shirt and rolling them up. 

"I fucking hate doing this," He huffed before cursing under his breath and crawling up the wall. He crawled up to the eleventh floor to her bedroom window, sitting on the concrete ledge on the side just out of view and smiling as he heard her front door open and close.

He smiled even wider as he heard her excitedly talking about the date to BeeBee, practically being able to see her spinning and dancing around with the cat in her arms.

He stayed there for thirty minutes until he heard her fall asleep, Kylo hesitating as he was about to open the window.

 _No, don't do this. If she wakes up, she won't understand. She won't understand and it's not time to explain everything to her just yet._ He cursed under his breath once more before jumping down, landing perfectly in a crouching position on all fours before grabbing his jacket and standing up and walking off.

He'd see her tomorrow night.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for panic attack and brief disassociation   
> (I have also cut my hair before when I've felt like I had no control over my life, and it's actually quite a common thing to do under extreme stress.)  
> (Also, while hallucinations aren't very common with dissociative disorders, it can happen. I've been doing mad research on this subject, as I myself sometimes go through derealization episodes, and I'm trying to portray this as correctly as I can. Mental illness is different for everyone, there are no two cases that are alike because everyone experiences things differently in their own way. I really hope I'm not offending anyone with how I've portrayed this disorder so far, as that is not my intention whatsoever ;w;)

_"This is dumb," She whispered to herself in the reflection as she fluffed her short hair. "This is so dumb that I'm freaking out this much over a dinner."_

_"No, you have every right to be nervous," Kylo came up from behind her and leaned down to kiss her bare shoulder, his arms snaking around her waist as their eyes met in the mirror. "You could possibly join their band, yeah? You've wanted to sing up on the stage for so long, this is finally your chance."_

_"Mmn, come with me," She sighed as she leaned back against him, as she tilted her head to the side and Kylo purred loudly as he kissed her pulse point. "Come with me, I'm begging you."_

_"I can't, you know I haven't fed yet--"_

_"Then feed from me, yeah?" She turned her head to look back at him and his fangs instantly popped out involuntarily, the brunette chuckling as she reached back and patted his cheek affectionately. "You always get so excited when I offer, you know that?"_

_"Because you have no idea how good you smell," Kylo purred out and she simply smiled before looking back forward and tilting her head to the side again. He sank his fangs into her neck and she instantly cried out, Kylo holding her tightly against him as he purred louder than before against her neck as his eyes fluttered closed._

_He pulled back after a moment, turning her face towards him and kissing her lovingly. She could taste her own blood on his tongue and moaned softly into the kiss as she felt blood trickle down her neck to her bare breasts._

_"Kira," He breathed into the kiss. "Kira, you have no idea how bright you are."_

Rey bolted up gasping loudly, her hand flying to her neck with a frantic expression on her face. 

It wasn't wet with blood, there were no puncture marks. "I-I--I...mmn..." Rey breathed shakily as she closed her eyes, focusing on her breathing to calm down. "Just a dream...a really weird dream..."

But the thing was, that dream felt more real than real life itself. It felt like that had been reality, that she had finally woken up and been in the real world, and now it felt like she was asleep again. 

And then a weird realization hit her. "Didn't--didn't he call me Kira at the bar...?" She paused for a moment before snorting and shaking her head. "My brain just remembered that and put it in some weird 1920s vampire dream, that's all." She slowly got out of bed, grabbing her phone and quickly typing a message to Kylo as she walked to the bathroom.

_Me: Good morning! I know it's seven, haha, and that you're asleep right now, but you told me to text you so here is an interesting fact to make up for how early it is: Octopus's tentacles aren't actually called tentacles, they're called arms, and each arm has a mind of its own!_

Rey pressed send and put her phone down on the bathroom counter before starting up the shower and undressing. She hopped in the shower and mewled at the steaming hot water raining down on her, pushing her hair back as she closed her eyes and basked in the moment.

_"You got a smile like the sun, you know that?"_ Rey's eyes opened as his words from hours before echoed in her head as a blush crept up on her cheeks. "I do not, what a liar...!" Rey buried her face in her hands while grinning, letting out a loud laugh as she wiggled her hips out of pure joy. 

She got out of the shower only for her phone to ring, Rey pressing the answer button as she dried off. "Hello?"

" _Rey!_ " Rose squealed on the other line. " _Tell me how it went, Finn told me he texted you asking you out for dinner yesterday and you didn't even tell me! How did it go? Was it great? Or is he an asshole? Do I need to kick his ass?_ "

Rey laughed loudly as she shook her head. "No, no, it was _amazing_! We people watched together and he took me to this old theatre he owned--"

" _Wait, wait, wait, he owns an old theatre? Oh, my God, Rey, how rich is this guy? Maybe you can finally get a car--_ "

"I don't care about how rich he is, Rose, he's genuinely a good person and that's all that matters! He turned on this spotlight and there was paper over it with little stars cut out and we kissed--"

" _No, you didn't!_ " Rose gasped loudly and Rey only laughed in response. " _Rey, you didn't!_ "

"I did! He's just so--"

" _Rey, you slut!_ " Rose squealed and Rey snorted loudly.

"It takes one to know one, Rosie."

" _Gasp! I'm utterly shocked and offended that you just said that!_ " Rose gasped dramatically and Rey snorted again before laughing once more. " _But you really like him, huh?_ "

"I do," Rey paused as she stared at herself in the mirror. "I really, really, _really_ do, Rose."

" _Then I'm over the moon for you! Oh, Rey, I might cry from how happy I am for you! You're finally gonna get that fairytale romance you've always wanted! But...have you told him about your disorder yet?_ "

Rey dropped the towel in her hands as her face fell, the brunette letting out a small choking noise as reality set in. "I-I--that's a little too soon to talk about on a second date, isn't it? 'Hey, so, I was severely neglected and abused from the age of eight to eighteen by my foster father and because of that I have depersonalization/derealization disorder' won't exactly go well on a second date, don't you think...?"

" _Honey, you can't keep that from him for too long though, you know that. You have to tell him, otherwise it wouldn't be fair to him if one day you have an episode and he has no idea what's going on, right? You understand that?_ " Rose's voice was so incredibly gentle and Rey teared up as she hugged herself tightly.

"Y-yeah...yeah, no, you're right. You're completely right, I just--I don't want this to end, Rose. It's really hard to be with someone who has this disorder, it can cause complications, and I--I don't want this to end," Rey felt the tears about to burst like a broken dam and Rose made an apologetic, understanding noise on the other line. "H-he's fucking perfect, Rose, and I'm--"

" _And you are so incredibly wonderful and one of the best people I've ever met, Rey. You're the brightest star in the universe and everything is going to be fine. I promise, yeah? If he likes you just as much as you like him, I'm sure he'll be more than understanding and you two can talk it out._ "

"I-I mean...the first night I met him I told him I experience disassociation," She felt a flicker of hope flutter within her chest. "And he didn't say anything, but everyone has at least one or two dissociation episodes in their time but aren't...diagnosed with...a disorder..." That hope vanished as soon as it came, Rey's face falling as more tears pooled in her eyes. "Y-you know, I've gotta go, but I'll call you later, okay? I love you!"

" _Oh, Rey, it's going to be alri--_ " Rey quickly pressed the 'end call' button before gripping the bathroom counter tightly, hanging her head as she focused on her labored, panicked breathing. She looked up at the mirror and grabbed at her hair, throwing open one of the bathroom drawers and snatching up a pair of scissors.

"This is normal," She grit out as she began snipping off strands of her hair. "It's completely normal to want to cut your hair. I am not cutting my hair because I feel like I have no control over my life and I'm beyond frightened, and that cutting my hair makes me feel like I have some kind of control." She continued to chop off her hair before throwing the scissors in the sink a minute later, shaking and fluffing her now upper neck length hair. 

"There..." Rey sighed as she dusted the hair off of herself shoulders and chest. "Just a normal haircut. Not a breakdown haircut, just a...normal haircut..." She wiped her eyes again before exiting the bathroom and getting dressed. She came back to the bathroom with a broom and dustpan, sweeping up the strands of hair she cut off. 

She had been cutting her own hair for years, and she was actually quite brilliant at it, but this was the shortest she had ever cut her hair. She kept telling herself over and over that she had done it just for a simple change, not because she had a silent mental breakdown over the thought of losing Kylo before she even had him. 

When it dried it curled up to her jaw, Rey sighing as she slowly washed the dishes in her sink with a solemn expression. Time didn't seem to exist in this moment, all sounds slowly being drowned out and that familiar static began to buzz in her ears. She didn't exactly know how long she'd been standing there until all sound came rushing back, Rey quickly turning off the faucet with wide eyes. 

She tore off the rubber gloves she put on to wash the dishes and when she looked at the clock it read that it was three in the afternoon. "W-wha--over seven hours?! I've been standing here for--BeeBee?! Shit!" Rey ran over to BeeBee's food bowl and sighed in relief that it wasn't empty, Rey refilling it anyways and he came running over with a delighted meow.

"Fuck, BeeBee, I'm sorry..." Rey sighed sadly as she quickly walked to her bathroom, throwing up the medicine cabinet and grabbing her anxiety medication. She popped off the cap and took two as prescribed, dry swallowing them before letting out a shuddering breath as she put the lid back on and put the pill bottle back in the cabinet. 

Her phone ringing startled her and she looked over to see she had--she had over thirty missed calls from Finn, Poe, and Rose. _Ninety missed calls in total_. "Oh, fuck!" Rey cursed loudly as she slammed her hands down on the counter, letting out an enraged groan before picking up her phone and answering.

" _Rey! Rey, oh, my God, are you okay?!_ " Finn shot out on the other line and Rey sighed loudly before hitting her back against the wall and sliding down to the floor. " _Rey--_ "

"I'm fine," Rey muttered as she dragged a hand through her short hair. "I'm okay, Finn, I'm sorry, my phone died before I fell asleep and I forgot to plug it in." _I cannot tell him I lost seven hours, I can't. I can't have everyone worrying over me, not now._

" _Oh--oh! Oh, ha-ha, Poe! Poe, she just fell asleep, we were freaking out for no reason!_ " Finn laughed on the other line and Rey closed her eyes while inhaling deeply. " _Rose called us and told us you sounded upset before you hung up on her, we were all terrified, but I'm so glad that you weren't answering only because you were asleep!_ "

"Yeah...yeah, I'm okay." Rey reopened her eyes and Finn laughed in relief once more.

" _Do you want us to bring you food, sweetpea?_ " Poe asked on the other line and Rey guessed that she had been on speaker phone this entire time. 

"Ah, no, but thank you! I think I'm just going to tidy up my apartment and then get ready for work at ten. I'll see you guys on Saturday--"

" _Or we could all just hang out after work! I think Rose is doing something, but you, Poe and I can all hang! Do you want to go see one of those late flick romcom movies? I know you love those--_ "

"I...already have plans, I believe," Rey's cheeks began to burn as Kylo popped into her mind and she heard Poe gasp loudly.

" _Oh, shit, yeah, that guy! How did the date go?_ "

"Rose didn't tell you?" Rey spoke as she started twirling a strand of hair around her index finger.

" _No, we were more concerned about why you weren't answering,_ " Finn sighed and Rey hummed in thought. " _But how did it go? Was he nice?_ "

" _Is his dick big--_ "

" _Poe, what the fuck?! Why?!_ "

" _These are important questions, my love--_ "

" _No?! They're not?!_ " Rey chuckled softly at their banter before slowly standing up.

"We just went out for food and people watched on the street, he took me to this theatre he owned--"

" _He owns a theatre? Holy shit, Rey, maybe you could finally move out of that fifteen-hundred a month apartment and actually get a nice one!_ " Poe exclaimed and Rey snorted loudly as she heard Finn push him.

"I happen to _like_ this apartment, thank you very much, and what is it with both you and Rose thinking this man is suddenly going to pay for everything? All we've done is kiss--"

" _You kissed?!_ " Both Poe and Finn practically shouted and Rey chuckled once more as she walked out to her bedroom. Why was everyone making such a big deal over a kiss? Okay, maybe more than one kiss.

"Yeah, we did, but it's not that big of a deal! People kiss all the time, it's nothing--"

" _Um, it is to you? You haven't kissed anyone since high school? I specifically remember this because of when we were playing 'never have I ever' and you kept your finger up for 'never have I ever kissed someone in college'?_ " Poe scoffed loudly and Rey deadpanned. She hated that game, she almost always had all ten fingers still up in the end.

"So? It's not a big deal,"

" _It honestly really is and I would like to know when the wedding is, please._ "

" _Poe! Poe, oh, my God, this is why we can't have nice things!_ " Rey heard Finn snatch the phone up before hearing Finn walk. " _I'm sorry, he's just really excited for you._ "

"Mmn, no, I get it," Rey sat down on her bed as she looked over at the bedside table alarm clock. Three-fifteen, okay. She had a little under seven hours until she had to be at work. "I know now how long it would take to fall from the roof of my building now, though."

" _Wha--oh, my God, tell me you didn't ask--_ "

"Three and a half seconds flat." Rey grinned and she heard Finn nearly drop the phone.

" _He knew?! You asked him and he actually responded and knew?! Oh, my God, Rey! I literally think you found your soulmate, what the fuck?! What the--POE, HE KNEW HOW LONG IT WOULD TAKE TO FALL FROM HER APARTMENT BUILDING ROOF! HE KNEW!_ " Rey burst into loud laughter as she collapsed on her back on her bed, the laughter pouring out of her uncontrollably as tears of mirth sprung to her eyes.

" _HE KNEW?!_ "

" _HE FUCKING KNEW!_ "

" _WHEN THE FUCK IS THE WEDDING?!_ " Poe shouted frantically and Rey only laughed harder as she turned on her side and curled up, her stomach hurting from laughing so hard.

"G-guys, stop! S-stop, I can't breathe!" Rey gasped for air and Finn was making noises of utter disbelief on the other line. "L-look," She caught her breath as she sat up and wiped her eyes. "I'll call you guys tomorrow, alright? I love you guys."

" _Yes, yes, okay, we love you, too! I can't believe he knew, oh, my God._ " Rey snorted loudly before hanging up the phone, tossing it on the edge of the bed before taking a deep breath and pushing her hair back. Rey suddenly paused as she saw something flicker in the corner of her eye, her entire body tensing up as she feared another hallucination was coming on.

"Please, not now," She whispered and she saw another flicker, more like a glimmer, and she slowly turned her head to see what looked like a long hallway inside of her bedroom. "What the...fuck...?" Rey whispered as she slowly stood up, walking towards the hallway at the end of her bedroom that she knew wasn't there. She hesitated before walking down it, hugging herself tightly as fear crept up on her at an alarming rate.

She could hear the faintest jazz music as well as heavy rain as she continued walking, her brows furrowing in confusion as she found herself walking quicker. A door suddenly appeared in front of her and she reached out to grab it before a dead white hand grabbed her wrist tightly, Rey turning her head to see--

No, this wasn't possible. No, this--no--

It was _her_. It was the version of herself she saw from the alley, from her dream, but she was a walking _corpse_. 

"Not yet," The image of herself whispered, her irises foggy white and her skin greying with chunks of her skin missing from her face. "You can't see that just yet, not yet. It's not time," Rey's eyes flickered down to her image's chest to see a gaping hole, Rey letting out a choked scream as she saw her own ribcage sticking out and her heart torn to shreds beyond repair. "Not yet, Rey."

And then it all faded to black as her eyes rolled back into her head.

\--------------------------------------------------

Rey awoke to the sound of her phone ringing, her vision foggy and her head pounding as she lay crumpled up in front of her closet. Her mouth felt incredibly dry and gritty, like she had eaten a mouthful of sand. "M-mmn...?" She moaned out softly before forcing herself to sit up, her mind hazy and the phone sounded so _loud_. "F-fuck..."

She quickly crawled over to her bed and snatched the phone, answering it without seeing who it was. "Finn, Rose, or Poe, I'm not feeling up to talking right--"

" _Well, I'm not Finn, Rose, or Poe,_ " Kylo chuckled on the other line and Rey instantly bolted up to her feet, the brunette gasping loudly as a wave of nausea came over her from doing so and she instantly collapsed onto the bed. " _Is now not a good time?_ "

"N-no! I mean yes--wait, I mean no--please don't hang up," Rey groaned loudly as she threw her arm over her eyes. _Fuck._

" _Do you want a ride to work?_ "

"That's not until, like, six hours from now--"

" _Rey, it's nine-thirty._ " Rey slammed her arm down on the bed as her eyes widened, a loud choking noise coming from the back of her throat as she bolted upwards in a sitting position.

"W-what?! No! No, it's not, there's--" She glanced over at her alarm clock to see that it was indeed nine-thirty, Rey almost letting out a scream as she tugged at her hair. "Oh, my God, it's nine-thirty!"

" _Were you sleeping or something? Are you feeling okay?_ "

"Y-yes! Yes, yes, yes, I'm fine! But I've gotta go and get ready, I love y--" Rey cut herself off and she heard Kylo drop something fragile, the sound of it shattering on the floor as he let out a shaky breath.

"I-I am so sorry, that's a force of habit!" Rey practically shouted before hanging up and throwing her phone on the bed, burying her face in her hands and letting out a muffled scream of pure panic. "FUCK!"

She scrambled to get ready, constantly internally screaming as she dreaded seeing Kylo because of how embarrassed she was. Had she upset him? She had heard him drop something and breathe shakily--oh, God, she was _terrified_.

\--------------------------------------------------

" _Y-yes! Yes, yes, yes, I'm fine! But I've gotta go and get ready, I love y--_ " Kylo dropped the whiskey glass filled with blood in his hand with wide eyes, breathing shakily as he heard it shatter on the marble. _K-Kira..._

" _I-I am so sorry, that's a force of habit!_ " He heard her hang up and the phone slipped from his hand, the phone clattering on the ground as he stood there with a shocked expression.

She had almost said ' _I love you_ '. He had almost heard her say the phrase he'd long to hear her say for ninety-five years. "Kira..." He whispered as he continued to just stand there, his body frozen and his mind reeling. "K-Kira--"

"Oh, dear, what happened in here?" Hux came waltzing in while clicking his tongue, Kylo looking over at him with wide eyes. "Oh, my...are we having a waking nightmare, Ren?" Hux smirked and Kylo ignored him as he crouched down to pick up his phone.

"Fuck off," Kylo responded bitterly as he stood back up, Hux looking him up and down before looking down at the shattered glass.

"You really were having a waking nightmare, weren't you? Poor, poor, Ren," Hux sighed dramatically as he sat on the bed, crossing one leg over the other with his palms flat on the comforter. "Still so haunted by your dead lover, aren't you? And you tried to lie to me the other night by saying you didn't even remember her name. Oh, how utterly tragic--"

"I said _fuck off_!" Kylo snapped aggressively and Hux simply smirked as his eyes twinkled with amusement.

"Tell me something, Ren," Hux purred out. "Do you still see her out of the corner of your eye sometimes? You tried to deny it the first several times, oh, you truly, truly did, but you couldn't deny it when I walked in on you in 1945 curled up in the corner of your room screaming and crying her name out like she had died in front of you all over again--"

"I will fucking kill you," Kylo pushed Hux back as he slammed him down onto the bed by his throat, his eyes glowing red as he glared down at him. "And I will not feel a single ounce of remorse as I tear your head off and send you down to Hell where you so rightfully belong."

"Mmn...I know," Hux grinned and Kylo cursed loudly as he moved away from him and storming over to the door. Hux sat up and continued to grin maniacally, the redhead taking too much delight in the situation. "But what would Snoke say?"

"Get the fuck out of my room," Kylo snarled as his fangs popped out, Hux humming as he stood up. "And I don't care what Snoke thinks."

"You used to," Hux's voice was like silk with cruel smoothness, the redhead brushing past him. "You used to before he killed her." 

Kylo slammed the hotel room door closed and he let out a scream as he punched the mirror on the wall beside the door, staring at his fractured reflection wildly as blood dripped from his knuckles.

He wasn't letting her die ever again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for creepy corpse vision

Rey was brushing her teeth hurriedly when she heard a knock on the door, the brunette cursing loudly as she threw down her toothbrush in the sink and wiped her mouth with a hand towel. 

"I'm coming!" Rey called out as she scrambled to the front door, throwing it open with panic shining in her eyes. "Hey, I'm--"

"You cut your hair," Kylo breathed out and Rey completely froze. "It's so short..." He muttered as he reached out and gently touched it, Rey staring up at him with wide eyes.

"D-do you not like--"

"No, I love it," He smiled and Rey felt relief washing over her. Normally she wouldn't give a single fuck about someone's opinion on her appearance but this was Kylo. This was Kylo and she cared about everything he thought about her. "It's perfect, it's like you never changed."

"Oh, well, I mean, it's just a haircut," Rey laughed nervously as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Only my physical appearance changed, I guess--"

"That's not what I meant, but you're correct." He leaned in the doorway and Rey just stared at him for a few moments before quickly moving out of the way with an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry, I keep forgetting to let you come in--"

"You really have to stop apologizing so much, when are you going to understand that you can never do anything wrong in my eyes?" Kylo touched her cheek for a brief second before stepping inside, Rey blushing as she quickly shut the door. _He's too kind to me, there's no way this is real. Plus...I'm not perfect, why does he keep telling me I can't do anything wrong or that nothing is my fault?_

"I really like all of the...green in your apartment," He walked behind the dark green couch as he ran his hand along it. "It suits you, you know that?"

"What, the color green?" Rey smiled and Kylo instantly looked up at her.

"Rey," His tone was deep and Rey nearly swooned as heat rushed throughout her. "You _are_ the color green. You always have been."

"I-I'm...green?" Rey squeaked out as he walked over to her, her heart pounding wildly in her chest as he cradled her face in his hands and leaned down. "What color are you?" She whispered and he paused.

"Colorless." He whispered and Rey furrowed her brows. 

"What? What, no! You're joking, right?" Rey scoffed and he slowly arched a brow with a curious expression. "You're not 'colorless'! You're--you know what? I'm going to give you a color right now!"

"Oh?" He smirked and Rey nodded quickly as he stepped back. "Please, Rey, what color am I?"

"Hmm..." Rey squinted at him before looking him over, going around him once in a circle before clicking her tongue and putting her hands on her hips. "Blue."

"Wha--what?" Kylo nearly laughed but shock took over. Blue? She chose blue instead of red or black? Why on earth would she--

"Blue can be many things," She reached up and gently placed her hand on his cheek. "It can be...trust, faith, truth...heaven," Kylo nearly choked from that word. "Kindness." Rey finished and Kylo's expression instantly softened. "And together we make turquoise!"

Turquoise was now his second favorite color, green being his first, and her words just settled that. "Turquoise..." He echoed and Rey quickly nodded before rushing off to her room.

"Thanks for saying you could drive me, I honestly really appreciate it! Normally I have to take the subway, but it's kinda fun to take the subway, you know? There are always the strangest, most interesting people that get on!" Rey called out from her room as she grabbed a green tie, quickly putting it on in front of her closet mirror. "I once saw a man 'snorkeling'! Full scuba gear and everything, it was possibly one of the wildest things I've--" She was cut off by BeeBee scrambling into her room with his tail poofed up, the cat yowling loudly before diving under her bed.

"BeeBee?" Rey quickly looked over at the bed and Kylo sucked in his breath as he walked into her bedroom. "What happened...?"

"Ah...cats don't particularly like me," Kylo sighed and Rey frowned. "Neither do dogs. I, uh...I guess I just give off a frightening vibe--"

"You most certainly do not!" Rey huffed as she marched over to the bed, getting down on the floor and peering beneath the bed with a stern expression. "BeeBee! BeeBee, stop it!" BeeBee hissed loudly in response as he growled loudly in warning, Rey's eyes widening in shock. She had never seen BeeBee act this way before, he'd always been the friendliest, sweetest cat she had ever met. She stuck her hand out slowly under the bed, trying to coax him out but he hissed again.

"BeeBee, quit it, why are you--ah, fuck!" Rey gasped loudly as BeeBee scratched her hand viciously, the brunette jerking back and sitting up as she looked down at her hand in disbelief. 

"Shit, Rey," Kylo quickly kneeled down and inspected her hand, his jaw clenching as blood began to come through the broken flesh. Her blood smelled _exactly_ the same.

"H-he's never scratched me before, I have no idea why he's acting like this!" Rey exclaimed loudly in frustration but Kylo's eyes were trained on the freshly bleeding wound. He watched, as if hypnotized, a single bead of blood slid down her hand and he bit back a loud growl as it dropped to the hardwood floor. "I have disinfectant in my medicine cabinet in my bathroom, let me--o-ow," Rey winced as his hand on her wrist tightened, his jaw clenched what looked to be painfully tight. "Kylo...?"

"You're bleeding," He bit out and Rey blinked before slowly nodding. He looked like he was concentrating extremely hard, like he was trying to hold himself back from doing something, and Rey felt more confused than she ever had in her life. "And it's getting on the _floor_." He hissed the last word out and Rey gave him a strange look.

"Uh...that's...okay? I can easily clean it up, it's not that big of a deal?" Rey tried to pull her hand away but he wasn't letting go as he seemingly glared down at the floor. "Okay, Kylo, it's seriously not that--"

He brought her hand up to his lips and gently pressed his lips against the scratch, Rey's cheeks burning bright red as her eyes widened. "I'll get the disinfectant and a bandaid." He muttered before pulling back and standing up, the man walking into the bathroom and opening the medicine cabinet. 

He grabbed the disinfectant, the box of bandaids, and a bag of cotton balls as he licked the small smear of blood off his lips. Kylo's eyes nearly rolling back as he shuddered, he having to grip the bathroom counter for a moment as he fought his fangs from popping out. _Fuckin'--fuckin' tastes the same, too, my God. I've nearly forgotten what she tasted like._

He quickly walked back out and kneeled down in front of her once again, taking a cotton ball from the bag after unscrewing the lid on the disinfectant. "It's gonna sting--"

"Of course it's going to sting, that's the only way you know it's working," Rey laughed softly before hissing quietly as he gently wiped the scratch with the disinfectant coated cotton ball. "But _fuck_ if it doesn't hurt."

"Mmn," Kylo sighed as he took a bandaid and peeled off the backing, applying it to the scratch with the uttermost of care before looking at her. "I'm sorry he scratched you because he's frightened of me."

"No, it's my fault for even reaching under there in the first place," Rey sighed as she gently touched the bandaid while staring down at it. "I just don't understand why he's acting this way, he's never acted like this! I've raised him since he was a kitten, I just...I don't get it, I really don't." She looked up at him with a frown and Kylo's eyes flickered over to under the bed.

He could see BeeBee crouched down in the very back, his eyes wild and his poofed up tail swishing violently as he let out a loud hiss. _If she wasn't here right now, I'd hiss right back at you and you'd be even more terrified than you are now. Consider yourself lucky, cat._

"Yes, well, like I told you...animals don't particularly like me--"

"But I like you," Rey frowned and Kylo's eyes flicked back to her. "I happen to like you a lot, actually, and I'm really sorry if I made you uncomfortable on the phone..."

_Oh--oh, no, she thinks she made me uncomfortable?_ "You didn't--"

"But I heard you drop something and--"

"I'm a clumsy idiot." Kylo cut her off and Rey paused before nodding slowly. "I will always let you know if I have an issue with you, although I very seriously doubt I ever will, alright? Communication is key, yes?" He smiled and Rey's cheeks burned again as she looked away with a flustered expression.

"Yeah, okay," She nodded before quickly standing up and grabbing her purse off of the nightstand. "I get off at three, I don't know if that's too late for you--"

"Are you asking if I would like to hang out with you after work?" Kylo stood up and Rey scoffed with a smile as she raked a hand through her hair. 

"Yeah, I am."

"I'd love to."

\--------------------------------------------------------

"Rey," One of Rey's coworkers gently touched her shoulder, Rey jumping slightly before turning to look at the blonde woman. "There's a man at a table in the back that specifically asked for you."

"Who? Kylo?" Rey raised an eyebrow and the woman shrugged before pointing at the table. It wasn't Kylo, it was some redhead staring at her with this smile that sent shivers down her spine. "Um...how about no?" Rey whispered to her coworker and the woman sighed in annoyance.

"Will you just go?" The woman snapped before walking away and Rey hesitated before making her way over there.

"Um, hi, welcome to--"

"The resemblance is strikingly uncanny," Hux chuckled as he leaned forward in his seat, resting his arms on the table. "It's truly remarkable, it's like I'm staring at a ghost." He smirked and Rey gave him a strange look before sucking in her breath.

"Do you want something?" Rey asked and he looked her up and down before leaning back.

"You know, I thought I was hallucinating when I walked past here earlier and saw you. I thought 'Hux, that can't be her', but it is! Oh, this explains _everything_ now. He's just been so much...brighter since you came around, like...the sun is shining on him, and now I know why." He terrified her, she felt like he was dissecting her with his eyes and his smile was beyond predatory. She felt like she was standing across from a shark and she was just this tiny fish with nowhere to swim to.

"You're...Kylo's friend?" Her heart was pounding in her chest, her vision blurring a bit on the sides as panic set in. "Look, do you want something--"

"I just had to see you for myself," He stood up, putting his hands on the table as he grinned. "He's an idiot for thinking he could hide you."

"Hide--I'm sorry, what the fuck?" Rey blurted out and Hux laughed quietly before brushing past her, a shudder running down her spine as his hand slid up her arm as he walked by.

"Goodbye, little sun." Hux purred loudly, that same inhuman purr she'd heard Kylo make so many times, and then the redheaded man was gone from the bar lounge.

She felt something trickle down her upper lip and she instantly wiped her nose, her hand smeared with blood when she pulled it back. "Shit..." Rey breathed shakily and she quickly ran to the bathroom, her coworker giving her a strange look before shrugging.

Rey slammed the bathroom door open and ran to the sink area, grabbing a paper towel from the dispenser and holding it to her nose as she tilted her head back. "Shit, shit, shit! Fuck!" Rey cursed loudly as she squeezed her eyes shut.

She wasn't feeling any sign of an episode coming on, and she thanked God for that, but the nosebleed wasn't seeming to slow down whatsoever. She pulled the paper towel back only for more blood to run out of her nose, Rey choking out a curse as she turned the faucet on and frantically tried to wash away the neverending stream of blood.

She suddenly felt someone turn her face towards them and she was once again looking into those foggy white irises of her own dead image. 

"He's going to be so upset you're wasting all of that," Her corpse whispered and tears sprang to her eyes as the corpse smiled. "You should call him in here to clean that up for you, he'll be so happy."

"Y-you're not real...!" Rey whimpered and the corpse leaned in closely, her lips beside her ear.

"Don't you know how bright you are?" The corpse whispered and Rey screamed as loud as she could, the bathroom door slamming open and her coworker rushing in. Rey was sobbing hysterically as more blood gushed from her nose and she heard her coworker call out for their manager over her hysterical sobs.

She could still see the corpse in the corner, her dead eyes staring at her with her head tilted to the side with a smile. She saw a beetle crawl out from where the skin was torn off from her jaw, only to crawl down to her open chest cavity and burrow itself within the dead flesh.

And Rey screamed again.

\--------------------------------------------------------

"N-no, please--"

"It's just a week break, Rey--"

"No, I'm begging you!"

"You were _screaming_ at the top of your lungs in the bathroom with blood gushing from your nose, you honestly think you should come into work tomorrow? Seriously?" Her manager deadpanned and she buried her face in her hands as she whimpered, her boss sighing loudly as he came over to her and patted her shoulder. "Go home, Rey."

That was ten minutes ago, and now Rey was sitting against the wall at the front door of the hotel with a sad look in her eyes as she stared forward. She had called Finn to come get her, having told him that she had a panic attack at work and they were making her take a week off, and he had said he was already on his way.

She would've called Kylo, but she couldn't find the strength to do it. She didn't want to put this on him, and she especially didn't want to explain that she was being temporarily laid off of work because she saw her own corpse in the bathroom that _talked_ to her.

Someone suddenly threw a dollar at her face and she jerked back before scowling and standing up. "I'm not homeless, asshole!" She shouted angrily and the man simply just sneered at her before going inside. "Fucking jerk! I hate this part of town!" Rey snapped bitterly as she picked up the dollar and shoved it in her pocket anyways.

"Rey?" Rey looked up to see Kylo standing a few feet away from her with a confused expression. "What are you...doing out here?"

"Just getting air," Rey grumbled as she sat back down and Kylo walked up to her, sitting down beside her. "What are you doing out here?"

"I just came back from eating." Kylo sighed and Rey looked over at him. 

"Oh? I hope it was good,"

"No," Kylo's expression soured and Rey arched a brow. "I hate Italian."

"You have a thing against Italian food? Oh, wow, that's a goddamn shame. I love alfredo pasta." Rey smiled and Kylo chuckled quietly as he looked down. "What'd you have?"

"...Blonde bolognese," Kylo decided that the dish was fitting for the blonde woman he had just devoured. "It wasn't great."

"Bolognese? Just go with spaghetti next time, you can't go wrong with the classics." Rey playfully punched his shoulder and he glanced over at her. 

"I prefer English cuisine," He smirked and Rey laughed loudly. "What? What's so funny?"

"It's just very rare to meet someone who prefers British cuisine over any other! Most people shit on it because it's bland--"

"It's the farthest thing from...bland..." His eyes darted down to her shirt collar where a drop of dry blood had dried, Kylo inhaling sharply as he clenched his jaw. _That's not from the scratch from earlier._

"Well, maybe I'll make you something one day or something. There's a ton of recipes on pinterest and--"

"Rey!" Rey looked forward to see Finn running up to her, Finn instantly kneeling down and holding her face in his hands. "You're okay?"

Kylo's eye twitched slightly at another man touching her and bit back a growl as he narrowed his eyes slightly.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Finn, can you...not right now?" Rey cleared her throat and Finn looked over at Kylo before it clicked in his head.

"Well, I'll be damned," Finn grinned and Kylo gave him a single nod. "You're Kylo?"

"I am, yeah," Kylo smiled politely and Finn nodded excitedly. "I was just sitting with Rey on her break--"

"Break? She's not on a break, she had a--"

"H-ha-ha, okay! Finn, that's enough!" Rey laughed nervously and Kylo's smile vanished. "You know what, would you look at that? It's so late, I think I'm just gonna go home early! We'll hang out tomorrow night, Kylo, I gotta go!" Rey bolted up and to where Finn's car was parked, Kylo instantly standing up with a concerned expression. 

"Well, Kylo, it was nice meeting you, but I have to--"

"What happened?" His head snapped towards Finn and Finn blinked. "What happened to her?"

"Um...that's not really my place to tell you," Finn frowned and Kylo silently growled. "Like she said, she'll see you tomorrow, though. It was nice meeting you!" Finn turned and went over to where Rey was waiting with an anxious expression.

Her eyes flicked up to his and she smiled apologetically, giving him a small wave and Kylo let out a quiet whine of hopelessness. He wanted to pace back and forth like a caged animal, wanted to whine louder and have her run back up to him, but all he could do was stand there with fear in his unbeating heart.

_Kira...what's happening to you...?_


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, this chapter was hard to write. I constantly had to take a break while writing the scene where Rey talks about her abuse as a child. So, while saying that, trigger warning for talk/description of child abuse.  
> I've also been researching the hell out of depersonalization/derealization disorder because I really don't want anything to sound made up, I've been watching videos and reading article after article because I'm trying to not make it seem offensive, if you get what I mean? The last thing I want to do is offend anyone.  
> I hope you guys are enjoying the fic so far, and I'll try to update as much as I can. Remember, mental health can be severely tricky, but there is always help and someone out there who loves you ^^

"Rey, you seem more distant this week," Rey's therapist, Amilyn Holdo, sighed as she crossed one leg over the other in the chair she was sitting in. "Have your episodes been getting worse again?"

"Um..." Rey stared out the window as she shifted on the couch, the brunette fiddling with her hands nervously. "I suppose you could say that, yeah..."

"How so?" Amilyn frowned and Rey bit her lower lip as she glanced over at her. 

"It started about three or four days ago, maybe? It all started when I was on a walk with Finn, we were just walking around his neighborhood, and...and I saw--" Rey cut herself off before sucking in her breath and looking at the purple haired woman. "I saw a hallucination of me dead in an alley, but it wasn't me."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, it was me, but it wasn't me at the same time. She was dressed in these clothes from what looked like the 1920s, and...I had a nosebleed and I went into a state of derealization." Rey cleared her throat and Amilyn jotted down something in the notebook on her lap. "It was just a hallucination, though, it's just like the bugs--"

"I think this is a little more than the bugs," Amilyn looked up at her with a sympathetic expression and Rey visibly deflated. "You saw yourself dead, Rey, and it triggered a derealization episode. Normally, when people see themselves dead, it means that they feel like they've lost complete control and feel like they're dead already themselves."

"No, I haven't lost control at all! I--" Rey stopped as she realized she was only lying to herself and she hung her head in defeat. "I don't know why this is happening..."

"Trauma never goes away, Rey. Sometimes it'll feel like it's gone, that it's over and done with, but it's always going to be there. For ten years you were abused relentlessly by a man you had to call your father, and it's understandable to why you're going through this--"

"But it wasn't bad for three years! The episodes were brief, but now they're just as bad as they were three years ago! I got laid off of my job for a week because of a hallucination--"

"You did?" Amilyn's expression softened and Rey gripped her thighs tightly as she glared down at the floor. "Oh, Rey, I'm so sorry..."

"It's just a week," Rey bit out as tears pricked her eyes. "Seven days will be gone before I know it, it's whatever."

"But you're rightfully upset over it, aren't you? I would be, too."

"I just...I'll get through this, I always have."

\---------------------------------------------------

Rey walked out of her therapist's building complex an hour later around eight, pausing on the steps and closing her eyes as she inhaled deeply. Sometimes she wished she could disappear from this plane of existence, go to a small island on the ocean where time doesn't exist and the only one there is herself.

She would wade into the blue waters and sink lower and lower until there was no air left in her lungs. She'd sink peacefully, look up at the watery sky and watch it become farther and farther until vivid blue became perilous black. There are monsters at the bottom of the sea, and she knows she'll get torn to shreds.

She knows, but sometimes it's all she wanted.

But now there was Kylo.

There was Kylo, and she hadn't mentioned him even once in the session she just had because she didn't even want to think about telling him everything, and she knew Amilyn would most likely tell her that right now was not a good time to try to get into a relationship. 

But all she wanted was him, and the thought of him walking away frightened her more than anything. 

She reopened her eyes and walked down the steps briskly, shoving her hands in her thin grey jacket pockets as she walked with her eyes downcast. Grabbing onto something was a grounding technique she had learned about two years ago, and all she had to remember was that if she could grab it, it was real. It was real, she was real, everything was real.

But sometimes even that couldn't convince her, and during those times she would force herself to go to sleep and ignore the fear in the pit of her stomach.

When she looked up, she was already five blocks away from the building complex and she paused at a crosswalk as she waited for the light to turn red. She could hear everyone around her talking loudly, Rey wincing as she closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing. 

_I just want to get home, that's all I want. I want to get home, and I'll force myself to sleep. Just gonna go to sleep._ Her eyes flew open as she felt someone push past her and she quickly began to walk.

She should've looked at the light, she shouldn't have assumed the light was red just because someone pushed past her, but it was too late. She heard someone scream and a car hit its breaks, Rey freezing in place as the car was only a few centimeters away from her.

"What the fuck?! Get the fuck out of the road!" A man shouted from the open window of the car and she stayed still for a moment before bolting off. 

She pushed people out of her way, hot tears blurring her vision as her breathing became erratic. She suddenly felt someone grab her hand and she whirled around to see Kylo standing there with wide eyes, Rey staring up at him with equal wide eyes as her chest heaved.

"Ky...lo...?" Rey choked out and his face fell as he recognized that she was crying. "What are you...are you really here...?"

"Oh, Rey," He sighed quietly before lacing their fingers together, bringing her hand up to his lips and kissing her knuckles softly. "I've always been here."

"Always?" Rey felt new tears spring to her eyes and looked at her with this sorrowfulness she couldn't imagine. 

"Come on," He spoke in a gentle tone as he began to walk, Rey quickly catching up to him and squeezing his hand tightly. This felt more than real, and she couldn't understand why he felt more real than anything in the world to her.

They walked for a good fifteen minutes before they came to a parking garage, Rey running up the stairs with him to the roof. He opened the large steel door and walked out with her, Rey looking up at him in confusion as he stopped walking and let go of her hand.

"I've always thought that the roofs of parking garages were good places to scream," He inhaled deeply and Rey looked forward with an understanding expression. "And to me, it looks like you want nothing more than to scream."

"It's not socially acceptable to scream in public." Rey breathed out with a laugh as she shoved her hands in her jacket pockets and Kylo looked over at her. "I think I'll just keep it bottled up inside like everyone else."

"It is here, and you don't have to bottle it up." He murmured and Rey looked at him before scoffing with a smile and shaking her head.

"I almost just got hit by a car, you know that? And you suddenly appear and take me up to a rooftop to scream?"

"What are you implying?"

"I'm not implying anything," Rey looked up at the night sky. "But it is a hell of a coincidence."

"Some call coincidence fate," Kylo was suddenly behind her and he wrapped his arms around her torso, pulling her flush against him as he rested his chin on top of her head. "But fate never is, and never will be, a coincidence."

"Oh, don't tell me you believe in Zodiacs, too?" Rey laughed and he chuckled quietly. "I've never believed in any of that nonsense, but my friend, Rose, is _super_ into it. Like, she has this app and everything that gives her daily readings for her horoscope. It's ridiculous."

"Will you tell me what's bothering you?" He suddenly asked and Rey instantly tensed up. "Can you tell me why you were crying?"

"...Because I almost got hit by a car?"

"But that's not the only reason, is it?" Damn, how was he this intuitive?

"I...mmn..." Rey quickly moved away from him and walked forward to the railing, gripping it tightly as she looked out over the skyline. "I--I don't..." She hung her head as she closed her eyes and breathed shakily. She didn't want this to happen now, she didn't want to ruin the possibility of a new budding relationship.

"Rey," He walked over to her, leaning on his side against the railing as he looked at her with those unbelievably soft brown eyes. "What's wrong, what's happening to you?"

"It's not...what's happening to me, it's what _happened_ to me." Rey glanced over at him before looking back forward as she tried to fight off tears. 

Plutt had always called her tears 'crocodile tears', that they were never real and she was only faking them for sympathy. To this very day, she hated crying in front of people and always felt terrible doing it. It made her feel pathetic, that she shouldn't because they would only become annoyed, but you can't really stop tears, can you? No, they just happen. Things happen, they always seem to just...happen.

"For ten years, I was abused relentlessly by my foster father who adopted me from England when I was eight," She began and the tears were stinging now, reminding her that, yes, this was painful. "The abuse was verbal, mental, and physical. I would be locked in a basement every other day, denied of basic human needs, and most of the time, I was starving."

"He always hit me in places the teachers at school couldn't see, and he'd make me take freezing cold showers every morning to wash the filth off of my body from being in the basement. On the weekends, though, I was in the basement without being let out like on the weekdays. For two and a half days straight, with no food or water, I was locked away...and I nearly ruined my vocal cords once because I screamed for an entire twenty-four hours." She felt like she was going to be sick from spewing out her tragic childhood like this, her head spinning as the taste of bile rose in her throat.

"I ran away the moment I turned eighteen, I went to a homeless shelter...and that's where I met Finn. But--but for ten years, I just---he--I don't--" She gagged loudly and he was closer to her now, rubbing circles on her back and staring down at her with a pained expression.

"You don't need to tell me everything, Rey, not if it's this painful--"

"I have depersonalization/derealization disorder," She choked out and his face fell. There it was, that's what she had been dreading. The horror, the realization in his eyes that she was beyond broken and only labelled as the poor abuse victim that always needed tending to. "B-because of the abuse."

"S-sometimes--" She cleared her throat loudly as she desperately tried to pull herself together. "Sometimes I don't recognize myself in the mirror, sometimes I think 'those can't possibly be my own memories', sometimes I feel like a robot, and sometimes I feel like I don't even _exist_." There were the tears now, the dam had broken. She must look so pathetic to him, he must just want to walk away.

"You're suffering," His tone was one of realization, sounding as if he had finally put the last piece of the puzzle together. "Your entire life...you've been suffering, and no one helped you."

"N-no--no, no, no, I'm getting help now--"

"But where was the help you needed as a child?!" He snapped and Rey gasped loudly as she flinched violently, Kylo completely freezing before waving his hands frantically. "No, no, no, that wasn't directed at you, I'm not angry at you! I'm not angry, baby, it's okay!"

_Baby_. The word rang out in her head and it made her feel fuzzy, like she had been wrapped up in a warm blanket by the fire. 

"You're not mad?" She hugged herself tightly and he instantly shook his head. "You don't...want to leave...?"

"Why on earth would I leave you? Oh, Rey, no," He cooed as he pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms tightly around her as he rested his chin on top of her head just like he had earlier. It made her feel safer than she ever had in her entire life, like she was being cocooned from everything bad in the world. "I'm not going anywhere, Rey. Ever. You didn't choose anything that happened to you, it was never your fault."

When they certain people can feel like home, Rey had never understood it. How could a person feel like such a materialistic thing as a house? But now she understood. Kylo felt like home, he felt like fear didn't exist and the only thing in the world was warmth. He felt like security, like safety, like pure, unadulterated trust, and she realized that this was all she had ever wanted.

She wanted a home, and she had finally, _finally_ found one as she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his chest.

\---------------------------------------------------

"Come upstairs with me, I can make you something to eat if you want!" Rey smiled as she walked backwards towards her apartment complex, her hands holding Kylo's tightly as he chuckled softly. He was constantly checking to see if there was anything she could possibly trip over, not wanting her to fall backwards.

"Mmn, I'm not hungry, but I'll still come up and be with y--"

"Rey!" Rose bursted out from the building's main door and Rey instantly dropped Kylo's hands as she whirled around with wide eyes. "Rey, I've been blowing up your phone since you got out of--oh, hi." Rose blinked as she noticed Kylo and he arched a brow at her.

"Rose, I'm sorry, my phone died! I was with Kylo--"

"This is him?" Rose blinked again before putting her hands on her hips and looking him up and down. "This is the guy that tipped you five hundred dollars and brought you to the theatre that he owns?"

_Oh, yes, please, little miss nosey, make this about money. Accuse me of being her sugar daddy, too, while you're at it, won't you?_ He wasn't liking this Rose character whatsoever so far, in fact, in his mind, she was even more annoying than Kaydel had been.

"Rose," Rey chuckled nervously as she ran a hand through her hair. "It's really...not about the money, I told you this--"

"If you ever hurt her, I will kill you." Rose huffed and Rey buried her face in her hands with embarrassment practically radiating off of her, Kylo clicking his tongue before forcing a smile.

_Be polite to her for Kira's sake, Ren. Just smile and laugh and pretend to be a good human being._ "Ha-ha, well, I don't ever plan to! But aren't you just the kindest friend?"

"Are you being sarcastic?" Rose narrowed her eyes and Kylo fought the urge to clench his jaw. It was silent for a few moments before Rose burst into laughter and slapped her thigh. "Dude, I'm fucking with you! Rey has been talking about you nonstop, I just wanted to test you!"

_Test me for what? Seeing if I'd explode at you? You got goddamn close._ "Aren't you hilarious!" Kylo laughed and Rey looked over at him with an apologetic smile.

"I just came over to see if my little ray of sunshine wanted to go to dinner with Poe, Finn and I! But it seems like you two already have plans, huh?" Rose smiled and Rey hesitated before nodding. 

"Yeah, I think...I just want to be in my apartment tonight, if that's okay?" 

"Oh, babe, of course it's okay! You don't have to feel bad for wanting to hang out with your new beau!" Rose crooned as she walked up to Rey and held her face in her hands, Kylo's eye nearly twitching at the gesture. 

_Don't touch what's mine_ , his instincts growled loudly in his mind. _She doesn't even melt at your touch--because you're friends. Jesus. Jesus, okay, I need to feed. My instincts are raging...but I can't leave Kira. I need to be with her right now, she wants me here...perhaps I could suggest I go get takeout?_

"Hey," He gently ran his hand up Rey's back and she looked up at him, Rose stepping back from her to dig in her purse for her car keys. "How about I go get some takeout, huh? Do you want Chinese?"

"Um...yeah," She blinked before smiling and nodding. "Yeah, Chinese sounds good! I, um, I like chicken lo mein!" She grinned and he gently kissed her forehead before smiling over at Rose.

"I'll be right back. Do you want anything as well, Rose?"

"Oh, no!" Rose laughed as she waved her hand dismissively. "But you're so sweet for asking! I'm just gonna go pop by Finn and Poe's. I'll see you tomorrow, Rey!" Rose chirped before going over to her parked car on the street and Rey smiled at Kylo once more.

"There's a really good Chinese place about three blocks down, I'll pick out a few movies to choose from for when you get back."

"Mhm," He leaned down and kissed her softly, Rey instantly throwing her arms around his neck and kissing back with eager enthusiasm as she stood on her tip toes. "I'll be right back."

"You better!" Rey laughed while pulling back before hurrying into the apartment building, Kylo turning around and beginning to walk to the restaurant.

As he was a block away from the restaurant he noticed a streak of familiar red hair on the opposite side of the street, halting in his tracks to turn his head to see no one other than Hux standing in front of an alley with a smug expression on his face.

_...Shit._ Kylo quickly hurried across the street over to Hux, following him into the alley. "Hux, what are you--"

"You really thought you could hide her when she works at the hotel we're staying at?" Hux chuckled darkly and Kylo instantly froze. _Shit, shit, shit. Shit._

"I have no idea what you're--"

"I'm talking about _Kira_." Hux grinned and Kylo instantly lost it.

"You keep her name the hell out of your mouth!" Kylo shoved him backwards and Hux hissed loudly as he crouched down slightly in a defensive fighting stance. "I lost her once, I'm not losing her again! I should kill you right now, Snoke wouldn't even give a single fuck if you died--"

"Oh, but what if I told him about her before you even could?" Hux smirked darkly and Kylo completely froze once again as his face fell. "What if I went and told him that your precious little _Kira_ , your darling little sun, has been reincarnated? Do you still own that theatre, Ren? The one you bought for her?" Hux hissed her name out with venom and Kylo was ready to rip his head off at any moment.

"Oh--oh me, oh my, you brought her there, didn't you?" Hux's eyes lit up in demented delight and Kylo snarled as his body trembled with rage. "Oh, how splendidly tragic, you _did_! Don't tell me you brought her there because you'd think that'd make her remember you, do you? Oh, Ren," Hux chuckled darkly as he stood up straight. "You always were an idiot when it came to her."

"I will rip out your spine--"

"The saddest part is, though," Hux was suddenly behind him, his hands sliding up Kylo's back before he gripped his shoulders tightly from behind and leaned his head over Kylo's shoulder. "She isn't really Kira, is she? No, no, she's not, she's just her reincarnation."

"Sh-she is Kira, what are you--"

"Oh, no, no, no," Hux clicked his tongue as he shook his head with a maniac grin, his grip on Kylo's shoulders tightening even more. 

"Quit your shit, Hux, she is--"

"There is no shit to quit, Ren, because, au contraire, mon stupide ami, she's _not_! She just has the same exact face, that's all. Her personality can't be exactly the same, for the odds of that are near impossible, and she'll never remember you! Those memories aren't hers, they were Kira's! She's just her reincarnated doppelganger and you're still so heartbroken over losing her...that you've fallen in love with her reincarnation. Would you like to know what I call that, Ren?"

Hux leaned close to Kylo's ear, Kylo's chest silently heaving with a look of utter panic plastered over his face. "I call that pretty fucking _pathetic_."

Kylo saw red in that moment and suddenly Hux was without his lower jaw, the redhead making a choking garbled sound as he fell to his knees. 

"I always fucking hated you," Kylo spat before tearing his head off, Hux exploding into ash as he did so. "You were always such a massive _fucking_ cunt who never learned when to shut up."

He inhaled sharply before running his hand through his hair, his eyes darting around the alley before he walked out and back onto the sidewalk. He walked hurriedly, constantly checking his hands and whatnot to see if he had gotten blood on himself. But there was no blood, it was a clean kill, and Rey was safe.

Fuck feeding, he could ignore the hunger pains, he just needed to get her food and then get immediately back to her.

He couldn't lose her again, not now, not ever, and he didn't care how many of his own kind he'd have to kill to protect her.

He would even kill Snoke like he'd wanted to do for years.


End file.
